Team Hellions

Tonight Raw and NASCAR make the Reese’s peanut butter cups of white trash.  You got wrestling in my racing. No, you got racing in my wrestling.  Wait a minute… we might have something here.

A car with a duck on its side spins donuts in the arena parking lot, then a midget gets out of the car.  Its like I’m watching Wacky Races.

(Mike Knox and Bruiser Brody drive the #1 Boulder Mobile.)

But wait, here comes tonight’s guest host, Carl Edwards.  He must be popular, because I see all of these chunky teenage girls wearing Team Edwards shirts.  Carl seems to be a legit WWE fan and surely will not do anything to make himself look good and the wrestlers weak… did he just do a moonsault?  When a severe minority of WWE Superstars are willing (or able) to perform this move, having your guest host do it destroys all credibility to the move.  But one mistake can be forgiven.

Until Sheamus comes out.  The worst booked champion since Jericho.  Oh come on, I love Chris too but his main feud as champion was with Stephanie McMahon.  He ran over her puppy!  Sheamus can beat the undercard, but he has yet to pin or submit anyone that matters.  Oh look, Christian is about to be sacrificed to the Lion from Limerick.  Good thing those ECW Superstars are allowed to join the other two shows.  Who wouldn’t want the top man from the dead brand after he’s been beaten by a man who can’t beat anyone else?!  ECW’s top guy just got pinned by Raw’s worst.  Terrific.

The Miz and the Big Show (ShowMiz) continue to portray a gay couple.  However, in case their storyline gets over Shawn Michaels and Triple H are already planting seeds for their own homosexual love story/break up.  ”So its all about you now?” “My career is over!” “I don’t know how to quit you.”

Good move taking the tag team titles off of DX.  It furthers their story, builds Miz, gives Show something to do, and will make the tag titles mean more than the glow sticks DX throws to the fans.  Also, if you type in “Jared from Subway bald” Google auto corrects it to balled and that brings up pictures you don’t want to see.  Its a whole different five dollar foot long.

HBK super kicks Teddy Long while Carlito makes stupid faces in the background.  Long’s head is turned into peanut butter, which explains why Alicia Fox is there.  Carlito says, you lick the peanut butter until its clean.  You have the amount of time it takes me to finish this apple.

Gail Kim wins another match with her arm bar DDT thing.  Does it have a name yet?  Kim-pact!  I’m writing to Matt Striker now.  Anyways, Maryse comes in and insults Gail in French.  WWE apparently thinks its audience is bilingual.  If the other language is Jeff Foxworthy’s Redneck speak, then yes you would be correct.

It was such a small part of the show, but a part that Jerry Lawler was desperately trying to point out.  Which of course meant that Vintage Cole ignored it.  But Cody Rhodes and Sheamus may just have some sort of partnership going on.  Cody already turned on one partner, Hardcore Holly, so its within his character to be a sell out.  Look at me, trying to bring logic and consistency into WWE stories.  My apologies.  But I do think there’s something to these “coincidences” involving Cody Rhodes, Sheamus, and Randy Orton losing matches.

John Cena as Bret Hart’s protector is interesting for a couple reasons. One, he’s not Canadian. Two, there are many other people on the roster who are either Canadian or have connections to Bret or have star power or all three.  Chris Jericho, Christian, Edge, the Hart Dynasty.  Even Maryse is French Canadian.

Bret makes a surprise appearance and destroys equipment.  Stuff goes boom, Bret falls down.  When the Hitman takes a bad bump pulling some electrical wire I worry about his chances in a WrestleMania match.  I think the only way to make this match a classic is to make it bloody.  But what are the chances for that in a TV PG WWE world?