The Infamous Backdoor to Chyna Review.

Yes, the scariest movie of the year has been reviewed.

“that was by far the funniest film review I’ve read.”

“lmao too funny”

“Wow. That’s all that I can say about that.”
Go here for the full article, with much language that is NSFW.

There is something seriously wrong with me for putting myself through what I know will be horrific just because it is remotely related to wrestling.  Chyna decides that her previous life of being a millionaire and roll model to women all over the world just wasn’t enough.  Its time to elevate her life by taking multiple cocks in the ass.  At least, that’s what I assume the movie title means.  It could be a bait and switch.

The movie starts with horrible music and a terrible interview with Chyna.  She is on the balcony of her home, or someone’s home, with the Hollywood sign in the background.  At least it might be the sign, its being blurred out for some reason.  Yes, in a porn where we are all about to see way too much the only thing that is illegal to look at is one of the west coast’s most well known landmarks.  Chyna talks about her life history in fitness modeling and wrestling.  But don’t worry, boobs are shown randomly while she talks.

The other women who have the, ahem, honor, of performing with Chyna are shown.  If it becomes relevant to name them, we’ll come back to this.  Chyna mentions Shawn Michaels and Triple H got her into wrestling, and now we know who we have to thank for this travesty.

Scene 1

Chyna is half naked in an empty warehouse, which is a fitting place for a crime.  She bends over a couch (which no abandoned warehouse is complete without) and diddles the inverted penis she calls a vagina.  Lets get this discussion out of the way now.  Yes, Chyna was born a woman and has always had a vagina.  However, whether she was born with it or whether some sort of drug and/or supplement abuse caused it she has a clit the size of a baby carrot.  Its like a finger got lost and stuck.  It points at you in shame while you watch the video.  Chyna’s clitoris is judging you.  Somehow Chyna working against women in WWE segues into Chyna having her first girl/girl experience.  At least, she says its her first.  A couple days ago Chyna claimed to have never filmed porn too, and yet here we are.

Chyna is joined by Dylan Ryder and Diana Prince.  DC and Warner Brothers need to be a little more active in their copyright protection.  The movie becomes the greatest parenting video of all time.  Because this is what happens when you don’t love your children enough (or, in some cases, when you love them a little too much).  Your daughters get paid a few hundred bucks to bury their faces in something medical science cant explain.  The girls break out their acting skills early as the loud moaning starts before a single pussy is touched.  Because most women scream in ecstasy when their breasts are touched.  And they say pornography gives men unrealistic expectations of sex.  All three women are brunette, so I have to go back to the beginning of the movie to tell who is who.  Dylan Ryder is the first to take a bullet.  And by bullet I mean the long range sniper rifle bullet shaped thing that is Chyna’s vagina.  Chyna’s vagina, by the way, will be the name of the next movie.  Ryder rubs Chyna’s lips for a longer time than usually seen in porn.  These few minutes will be edited and shown separately for decades anytime someone needs a definition for hesitation.  If we could look into Dylan’s mind for the moment I think it would be something like this:

“What the fuck is this thing?  I’ve sucked cocks smaller than this.  How much money do I have in the bank right now?  Do I really need to do this?  How much money will this movie make and what is my cut of the profits?  Screw it, I’ll just get some real strong drugs tonight and kill all the short term memories I have.”

If everyone reading this will think back to the first time they gave  oral sex.  Its usually a bit awkward and there’s a learning curve of many tries before knowing exactly what to do and how to do it right.  That being said, Chyna eats pussy the same way she eats a chocolate MetRX bar; with experience and sticky fingers.  ”I’m so wet right now.”  That wasn’t one of the women.  That was my eyes.  Well, when I can uncover them, which is becoming less and less.  And its only the first scene.

The girls tell Chyna to tell them right where she wants it.  I think she said, put it under my baby penis.  The girls shove a dildo all the way into the event horizon.  They spread the star’s legs and we get an up close look at where the 13 time world champion used to bury his head.  Its not pretty either.  Looks like someone forgot to cook roast beef all they way through.  The pros finally realize that the more they use a long dildo on this freak of nature, the less they have to use their tongues.  Chyna buries her face in Dylan’s crotch and its the first time Ryder seems into her work.  She’s probably had much uglier men than Chyna eat her out.  Diana Prince earns hazard pay when she licks Chyna’s asshole.  I’d rather eat a jar of kimchi found in an abandoned house that broke open from the cabbage’s fermented gases than put my tongue anywhere near her poot shoot.

Chyna says she enjoys being with two sexy girls for the first time in her life.  That line I might believe.  Not that its the first time she’s been with two girls.  But its the first time they’ve both been sexy.

Scene 2

Chyna slowly gets naked for us, because that didn’t just happen for forty minutes.  She starts to blow some guy, really, its just some guy right now because he has yet to show his face.  In all fairness, would you show yours in this situation?  Guys can be star fuckers too and someone is damn proud he tapped this girl before she was famous and had plastic surgery to rival Joan Rivers.  Either this guy has a small cock or Chyna has huge hands.  As I can only assume this is a veteran of adult film and not some guy off the street, I’m leaning towards the huge hands theory.  Have any of you seen The Hangover Part 2?  Spoiler alert, but they go into a Thai ladyboy strip club and strange sex takes place.  That is every moment of this movie.  Long hair, breasts, seemingly no Adam’s apple… and its a game of Russian roulette whether or not you find a penis.  The guy picks up Chyna for a tombstone piledriver and even if I’ve seen a thousand Undertaker matches no one fought out of it quite like this.  Well maybe Michelle McCool.  That would explain a lot.

The random guy gives Chyna a thorough tongue lashing and then starts to mount some offense.  And offensive it is.  Her baby penis lines up with his actual dick a little too symmetrically.  Its like he’s fucking a fun house mirror, reflecting his cock but smaller.  They fight for dominance in a standing position until Chyna takes control and rides with lackluster work rate.  She works up more of a sweat than in her classic WWF  VHS Chyna Fitness.  The guy keeps moaning and screaming, but not out of passion.  It sounds more like he’s cursing God for this shameful event in his life.  This scene must have been filmed shortly after Chyna’s brief appearance in TNA because it looks like she has ring rash all over her ass.  Her butt and high definition are not friends.  Chyna’s partner finally gets a good mental image of someone else and dumps what he can onto her face before the wave of shame destroys him.

Scene 3 Chyna and Evan Stone

It has now become obvious that Vince McMahon has better lawyers than Vivid Video.  Thus far, WWE is barely mentioned and only in polite words.  Chyna says only good things about her time there, and those in charge the few times she mentions them at all.  One of the most fucked up women in wrestling history claims that she had no substance abuse problems.  Oh sure, lots of people in porn and reality television are straight edge.  Happens all the time.  She strips again, for those of you who forgot what her naked body looks like after seeing it for an hour.  Well, that just makes me sad I’m the one watching it for that long.  Evan nearly breaks his nose when he goes down into her vajay jay dillon.  I can only assume that by crushing his nose like that, it cuts down on the smell.  Chyna gobbles him up like an Outback Jack ice cream bar.  Evan Stone throws Chyna on her back and lifts her legs high.  For some reason her crotch is even more disturbing from this angle.  Its like the previous scenes were indy horror films and this is the big budget remake.  As we all know, things have to look nastier in the studio remakes.  Chyna tells Stone that he’s so deep.  That’s an understatement.  He’s so deep in the abyss his cock is meeting living columns of water.  Chyna rides dick a little better in this scene but that’s like saying Miss USA was better on episode two of Tough Enough than she was on episode one.

Oh no, and now the movie gets its name.  Chyna takes it in the ass.  This is horrible.  I’ve seen the Mass Transit incident from ECW and its a Disney cartoon compared to this horror show.  She must love anal because the baby carrot has become bigger.  While at the same time my own penis has gone on strike.  For those of you wondering if she had any shred of dignity left, no.  Because Chyna has now gone ass to mouth.  I don’t care what Clerks 2 tells you, this is gross.  If you enjoy it, great, enjoy it with a hot girl.  However when Red Ass She Hulk does it, its gross.  Evan gets out easy when he finishes.  The rest of us have two more scenes.

Scene 4 with a guy and Dayna Vendetta

Chyna talks about the embarrassing times her boobs popped out.  That must be an embarrassing story to tell,  when your tits are hanging out.  Chyna and Dayna get themselves warmed up waiting for a guy to join them in the gym.  The most convincing evidence in this movie that Chyna is in fact a woman is that she keeps saying, “I’ve never done this before.”  No guy says that.  The other men in the movie are jealous of this guy, who I will call the male lead because he gets a real woman to actually get him off.  Dayna is here as both spotter and fluffer.  These two porn pros have the best agents in the business.  Not only does he get a real girl to fuck, she barely touches Chyna in the entire scene.  Hell, I don’t want to do porn but I do want their agent.  The guy focuses on the blonde, forgets about Chyna, but is gracious enough to drop his seed on both ladies.  Same regular sex positions as the previous scenes, but this time there’s a blonde you might actually want to look at in it.

Scene 5 Chyna and two guys

This is the final scene of the movie and my nightmare is almost over.  Chyna claims to have never been with two guys and also says she’s only ever had sex with her boyfriends in long term relationships.  I wouldn’t believe this chick if she said my house was on fire.  Chyna starts sucking off two guys like its Patterson and Brisco the day she signed with WWE.  I know what you’re thinking, but isn’t Pat Patterson gay?  To that I say, look at Chyna.  I rest my case.  Its a three way dance and even classic ECW never got this extreme.  And we wont even talk about Rob Black.  Chyna does a good job of hanging in there with both foes in this handicap match.  Both guys do their best to stay hard while keeping her air tight.  Its a daunting task but they see the dollar signs for working in a war zone and literally plow their way through.  The guys both get off while in a position that allows them to look at each other, and after seeing five scenes of this freak I don’t blame them.

The movie is finally over.  Its entirely possible TNA booked this, because the scene order makes no sense.  When the movie is called backdoor, why bury (HA!) the anal in the middle of the movie?  Not only is it your movie’s namesake, but Chyna also says it was her favorite scene to film.  This is like making Jaws, putting the shark in the middle of the film, and no where else.  If the movie is about the backdoor, and the last scene has two guys in it, one of them should be in that same backdoor.  Unless.   Oh no, it cant be!  That leaves something left for a sequel!

About these ads

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s