There is no shortage in the world of surgically enhanced blondes with fake tans who will whore themselves out. And that brings us to Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster has to pay for divorces and lawsuits in addition to the exorbitant price of leather tanning. I’m saying his skin is tough. There hasn’t been a product or gimmick that Hogan didn’t turn down. You doubt these words? Check out this list.
8. Hulk Hogan’s (Insert Gimmick) Championship Wrestling
Whether it be celebrities, midgets, or “Xcitement Wrestling Federation” Hogan has tried to create his own brand of wrestling for years. There has yet to be any great talent, or even a good match to come out of these shows. Todd Bridges isn’t putting on five star matches, or even 2, or 1. Remember Hail? The latest in a long line of large power lifters who think they can make a couple bucks in the ring. And the midgets. These fucking midgets. Which reminds me, I need to watch episode 2 of that shit later today.
You’re at the mall. You’re eating at the food court. What locale whets your appetite? A huge big bacon classic? Maybe a five dollar foot long? No, your pallate craves food from the greatest Italian chef in the world. The pumping iron chef himself, Terry Bollea! Sit down with a big bowl of Hulkaroos kids! Yeah, I wish I was kidding as well.
6. Hulk Energy/Hogan Energy
Featuring 160mg of caffeine per 16 ounce can (which is more than a Red Bull) this syrupy drink falls under the second commandment of Hulkamania (take your vitamins). All natural vitamins such as:
Carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural flavors, caffeine, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate, sucralose (Splenda brand), blue #1
Good news. There’s also a sugar free version.
5. Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer
The really sad thing about this product is that it works. Really really well. I’ve gone through 3 of them because I burnt out the motors. It makes a delicious frothy near perfect whipped up chocolate milk. Oh I want one now. The only flaw is that its small. Maybe only 8 ounces. Which means there’s lots of getting back up to make more. And you will want more.
4. RAC Spokesman
What’s up brother? Ever had to pack up all your stuff from a house you bought with your hard earned money? Then move into an apartment in your fifties? Alimony is a bitch and we understand if you cant afford to furnish your new studio apartment all at once. Hulk Hogan and Rent A Center is here for you.
3. Every movie/TV show he’s been in.
What dollar bin movie would you like to watch tonight? Thunder in Paradise? Suburban Commando? Maybe its the holiday season and nothing sounds better than Santa with Muscles? Depending on when you grew up, No Holds Barred might get a pass. Do not doubt the power of Zeus!
2. Hulk Rules by Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band
Any wrestler fan who has had the joy of hearing “Hulkster in Heaven” has lots of time on his hands. Because he has already found the worst song ever written. The life long quest can end. The poor parents of the dead child Hulk wrote this song for. Not only did they lose their son, they also had to suffer through an abortion. The abortion to all of music that is this song.
1. Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill
While there is no way to get your money back from the old hotline. Call Mean Gene at 1-900-909-9900!!! There is a way to get your money back from the Ultimate Grill. Because there was a recall. Oh yeah, this is a shoot, not some silly kayfabe thing. The grill can ignite or cause flames if you do silly things when you cook. Things like using cooking oils or sprays. Who would do that? You know, besides everyone.