The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 7/2/12.

 

Its Monday night once again and its time for me to watch the longest running wrestling program on television.  Its also time for me to need a new job so I’m not working on Monday nights and then I can watch this live with all of you.  Anyways, lets get right into the action!

Teddy Long is in charge for the night and that means we’re guaranteed to have a tag team main event!

John Cena is out first because there are only two ways to have him on the show.  Out first, or saved until the main event in which he is announced last.  There are no middle options.  Cena will be in his first ever Money in the Bank ladder match and there’s a lot of potential in that.  John talks and talks but doesn’t actually say anything.  However, when was the last time he did?  Seems all of his promos are random concepts strung together without any real connections except that together they equal much time wasted on the show.  Wasted on purpose though.  Hey, Cena, go out and say some shit.  Kill five minutes until we send someone else out to respond to whatever the hell you say.  The five minutes must be up and out comes Daniel Bryan.  Hey look Daniel actually says something.  He says he’ll be champion next and if John wins the briefcase Cena will be the first person to cash in and lose.  Look someone made a point!

CM Punk comes out, slightly over one year since dropping his first pipe bomb and he leads the crowd in “Yes” chants to mock Bryan.  Its fun and all but not a pipe bomb.  Not even a sparkler.  Chris Jericho is out next and all I can think is that he has done jack shit since his return.  All anyone is saying is that he will win the match.  Kane is out next, oh look he says he’ll win Money in the Bank as well.  I bet Big Show has something similar to say.

Well he would have if he got a chance to do so.  A fight breaks out and by the end Big Show is the only man left standing.  Great build up, but can he climb a ladder?  Can the ladder support him?

Titus O’Neil and Darren Young (with AW), David Otunga and Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston and R-Truth (tag champs), Christian (IC champ), and Santino Marella (US champ).

I forgot tomorrow will feature a live Smackdown.  Guess I’ll be doing this again tomorrow night.  Also, besides the world titles (and the Divas of course) every title in WWE is in this match.  Which means every other match tonight wont matter.  Prove me wrong, I want to be, but we can be assured there is no title match nor a number one contender match during the evening.  These “lesser” titles are just getting buried each and every week.

AW is wearing a mic?  Can the crowd hear him or just the announcers and of course the home audience?  This is an interesting new concept.  Imagine in Bobby Heenan had a live mic on him at all times during his managerial career?  We would still be in awe.  Hundreds of quote sites would be online.  Anyways, AW isn’t the Brain but I’ll give it a try.

Speaking of try, the Prime Time Players aren’t in the mood to try and fail.  The match isn’t going their way so AW pulls out Young and O’Neil.  Cody ditches Otunga as well.  David tries to leave ringside but Brodus Clay comes out to block his path.  Otunga is tossed back in the ring and gets a Cobra plus the pin for his troubles.  Everyone hits finishers on David just for fun.  Is he being fired?  Are we going to find out tomorrow that Otunga has a wellness policy violation?

So far we’ve had dueling “I’m going to win” promos and then a 4, no 5 on 1 match.  Not a great Raw at this point.

Teddy Long is dancing in the GM office and Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo) shows up and wants a title match.  Does he ever want anything else?  To no one’s surprise but also to no one’s understanding ADR gets yet another title shot.  Del Rio is up next too… against a mystery opponent!  None of this is bringing me back into this episode.

Stephanie McMahon talks about Shane training Vince as her favorite Raw moment.  Daddy’s Little Girl through everything isn’t she?

Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) vs…. Sin Cara?!

Two men who have been given everything by WWE and have still not caught on.  Are you shitting me?!  Sin Cara dives into the ring and runs right into Del Rio’s knee!  Del Rio tosses Sin Cara out and then locks on his signature and devastating arm bar submission.  Sin Cara has been destroyed.  What the fuck is he around for?

Daniel Bryan tries to sweeten up AJ.  Its almost as if he’s worried about her being the guest referee and wants to sway her to his side.  It doesn’t work though, because crazy chicks see all the angles.  She bites off the rose and sticks Daniel with the thorns!  Awesome!  She really is the star of the show lately.

Smackdown is live tomorrow.  I’ll be at work for most of it.  Boooo!!!

Paul Heyman announces that Brock Lesnar will respond to Triple H on the 1000th episode of Raw.  He then weaves all of us through an enrapturing promo.   His vocabulary, his cadence, his pauses – no one cuts a promo like Paul.  Best work of the night.

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero vs. Sheamus (World champion) and AJ.

AJ time!  Also, now Sheamus has to become involved in AJ’s crazy world?  Poor little Great White.  Dolph has his way with Sheamus and we’re all feeling like he should be in Money in the Bank.  Dolph’s time is now and he is ready.  Well, almost.  Ziggler runs into Sheamus’s forearm.  Then he gets hit with White Noise and Sheamus gets the Brogue Kick ready.  The Celt goes for the boot and Dolph tags in Vickie!  That means AJ is in the ring, and lets see what she can do.  Holy shit!  AJ hits a Shining Wizard!  On Vickie!  Three seconds later she’s got the pin and this match is over.  AJ steals the mic and yells out “YES!” her whole way to the back.  Oh that was fantastic.

Backstage, AJ is looking for CM Punk.  Have you checked by the Pepsi machine?  Punk is on the phone and AJ gets all creepy wanting to know who he’s talking to.  Punk didn’t see her match because he was on the phone.  AJ lays down the crazy chick card and you will pay attention to my card!!!!  Oh she plays this so well.  Is she crazy, or is she just a love struck girl who wants the guy she likes to pay a little bit of attention to her?  So wonderful.

Heath Slater is in the ring and someone at least 40 years old if not 50 will be in the ring against him momentarily.  Heath says he’s not a clown and I should have seen this one coming… out comes Doink the Clown!  “Doink was in two WrestleManias, 9 and 17.”  I was going to say how sad that is, but there are probably some current guys on the roster who will have 8 years in between appearances on ‘Mania.  I’m looking at you Yoshi Tatsu.

Heath makes short work of Doink and we’re all shocked.  He’s supposed to lose to the legends.  What’s going on here?  Oh.  We’re not done yet.  Diamond Dallas Page returns to Raw!  DDP comes out and lures Heath into a false friendship.  Page hits a Diamond Cutter out of no where, and that is the only way the Diamond Cutter should be hit.  His WWE theme music is shit though.  Cant they throw a little cash down for his classic WCW theme?

No Holds Barred will be out on DVD tomorrow. Also BluRay and “digital”.  That could mean iTunes or an Amazon download.  I’m going to hope it means that the movie will be on Netflix streaming within the week.

Kane vs. the Big Show.

For those of you who like your wrestling slow.  Here’s a sloppy treat for you.  I would go to the bathroom during this match if I was in the building.  Prove me wrong guys!  Plodding, plodding.  Kane picks up a chair.  Show spears Kane but catches the chair in the shoulder too.  That could become very very bad.  Not bad enough within this match though.  Big Show choke slams Kane onto the same chair and picks up the pin.

Teddy Long is backstage and runs into Eve.  He gives Eve a giant name tag as a call back to the days when Eve was in charge.  Teddy walks off and Eve runs into AJ.  Eve gives AJ a bunch of shit and that is a bad bad thing to do to a crazy girl.  AJ calls Eve out on her attention grabbing ways and promises to show Eve, to show all of us.

Tyson Kidd vs. Tensai.

Tyson doesn’t get any music or an entrance.  Poor Kidd, he deserves more.  I mean, he’s in the MITB match but I see something happening before PPV night to change that.  What the hell?!  Tensai makes one mistake and Kidd rolls him up for the pin.  It was all of two minutes, if that.  Tensai gets pissed and beats the hell out of Sakamoto.  Which he did once already and didn’t seem to matter.  I think Tensai needs to be rebooted.  Huge win for Kidd though.

Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan duel catch phrases.  Came across as more annoying than humorous.  A previous version of Jericho would have been much better for such a spot.  But this year, I don’t know what the hell is up with Jericho.

Josh Matthews tries to interview Tyson Kidd but Tensai comes in and spikes Kidd off of numerous lockers.  That will teach you to win a match!  When was the last time we saw a locker room attack on Raw?

Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk (WWE champion) and John Cena.

The match is fine, but neither team gels.  I feel like we’re watching two different eras of wrestling.  Jericho and Cena are in the past, but no one has told them.  Punk and Bryan are bringing in the future of wrestling.  John Cena has always been a 5 moves of doom wrestler and Jericho just seems half assed this entire year.  Meanwhile Punk and Bryan are out there stealing the show every week.  AJ comes out and demands attention, but they’re going to steal the show with great wrestling and not with hitting on the girl.  Punk and Daniel are down but AJ finds a friend.  She pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up.  Oh this will be interesting.  What the hell is she going to do?  AJ gets in the ring and climbs the ropes.  Oh she isn’t this crazy.  Is she?

AJ is about to jump off the ropes and through the table.  Daniel Bryan stands in front of the table to stop her.  But its not enough.  CM Punk gets up on the ropes for a more direct stoppage.  AJ kisses Punk and… pushes him off!  Punk crashes into Bryan and both men crash through the table.  AJ laughs and brings back the “YES!” chant one last time this evening.

The two best wrestlers in the world today, and the greatest actress in the history of women’s wrestling.  If WWE’s big summer story line is the crazy world of AJ, I’m in.

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