Why the Hell Would I Read Fifty Shades Of Grey?

Yes, I know it should be “too” but I couldn’t resist.

Why the hell would a grown man be reading a book about erotica by someone who can’t write erotica and is targeted towards females? Because I’m fucking crazy, that’s why. Oh and the first sentence, the punctuation was purposefully left out, inspired by a sentence in the not so ancient tome, Fifty Shades of Grey. The plan is, from here on out, to read two chapters a day, three days a week, until I finish this God forsaken bestseller. At the end of the week, my plan is to write a post of the best tweets about the worst elements that make Fifty Shades …do you smell that? Smells like shit, that’s right. I have partners in crime, you can follow them on Twitter Stefanie Jones @StefanieNoell & Megan Orsini @morsini. You can also follow myself @Kristoffrable as well. So here we go, the best tweets of the week!

@Kristoffrable: Chapter 1…the beginning to a supposedly monumental book and it’s her bitching about her hair. #FiftyShadesOfGrey‬

@StefanieNoell: First paragraph, we get the “gaze into the mirror” thing. She’s frustrated by her ugliness. Poor girl.

@morsini: It’s cool, guys. I’m just twitching nervously, inwardly sighing, and rolling my eyes at myself. As one does. #FiftyShades

@morsini: “I inwardly sigh.” I’ve been trying to do this for about five minutes. It’s not a thing. #FiftyShades

@StefanieNoell: “oh dear,” “double crap,” and “holy cow” are used in the same paragraph. Is Ana from 1942?

@Kristoffrable: It’s not strange if your erotic interest has the same eye color as his last name is it? #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: It’s cool, guys. I’m just twitching nervously, inwardly sighing, and rolling my eyes at myself. As one does. #FiftyShades

@morsini: This book is really “raising the ordinary to extraordinary.” This my new catchphrase. #FiftyShades

@StefanieNoell: In case you weren’t sure, Christian has a very penetrating gaze. She only mentions it 7 times in the 1st ch, so I want to make sure you KNOW

@Kristoffrable: Christian Grey has the same characteristics that make the antichrist in the ‘Left Behind’ series enjoyable. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@StefanieNoell: “I’ll bear that in mind,” I murmur confusedly. Oh no. I’m musing out loud again. #FiftyShadesofGrey

@StefanieNoell: Also, Kate is tenacious. It’s only been said four times so far.#FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: So she works at a Hardware store. That compliments her name well, giving her a nice masculine feel, oh wait. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: “…or something” REALLY raised the ordinary to extraordinary. This is how I talk now, I murmured inwardly. #FiftyShades

@StefanieNoell: Oh no. Is Jose the “Jacob”? That doesn’t seem racist at all.#FiftyShadesofGrey

@morsini: “I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.” Well, obviously. She studies British lit, but lies back and thinks of communism.

@Kristoffrable: Grey is too antichrist like to show up in a hardware store. That’s what lackeys are for you rich bastard! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@StefanieNoell: If you’re 21 years old and you’ve never ever wanted to be kissed by ANYONE, then yes. Something’s wrong with you, Ana.#FiftyShadesofGrey

@morsini: “For the first time in twenty-one years I wanted to be kissed.” Excuse me, what? Do people who don’t join convents actually think that way?

@StefanieNoell: THE SENTENCE OF THE YEAR: “His voice was warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something.”

@StefanieNoell: Dark. Melted. Chocolate. Fudge. Caramel. OR SOMETHING.#ThatsHowItsDoneBitches #FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: Best line ever: “His voice was husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something.” And yes no punctuation.#FiftyShadesOfGray

@morsini: It’s fine and all to make fun of #FiftyShades, but then I have to remember I PAID for it. So who is the loser in this scenario? #itsme

@StefanieNoell: How does Ana understand anything Christian says? He sure does murmur a lot. #FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: So, Grey is a murmuring mother fucker! Where is your mother to say “speak clearly, stop murmuring!” #FiftyShadesOfGrey‬

@StefanieNoell: Ok wait. Christian murmurs THEN Ana answers him with a mutter. Does everybody have to whisper in Washington? Is it a law?#FiftyShadesofGrey

@morsini: I am so starved that my stomach is grumbling outwardly. (Forgive me. I’ll be speaking “Grey-speak” for a while.)

@Kristoffrable: She admits to not using her brain but yet according to her it’s functioning properly, I’m confused. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@StefanieNoell: OMG Ana mutters again, then Grey speaks softly. SPEAK UP people, I can’t hear you!! #FiftyShadesofGrey

@StefanieNoell: “My face flames. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.” Sure. That’s what we ALL think about when we blush.

@morsini: I just magicked some pretzels into my mouth. It’s legit. “@Kristoffrable: “I magic a smile on my face?” Is that proper? #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Masking tape in the “decorating isle?” Try paint department. You’re not the only one that worked in hardware! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “I must be the color of the ‘Communist Manifesto.’” And yet she reads mostly British fiction…hmmmm #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So is she allergic to Christian Grey? Because every time she talks to him she stops breathing like two or three times. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@StefanieNoell: “I try to dismiss the unwelcome thought of him without jeans.” If your 21, straight, single, & you think he’s hot, why is this unwelcome?

@morsini: I’m sorry, you guys. But I can’t hear you over the sound of my psyche screaming. #truestory #FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: “Her curiosity oozes through the phone.” That sounds kind of disgusting to be honest. I’d make her clean it. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: She was almost run down by a bike and she’s freaking out. Not a bus! A bike! Not the same. I’ve been hit by a tire, so I KNOW.

@Kristoffrable: “Paul’s cute…but he’s no literary hero.” Yeah, cuz Adonis was killed by a fucking boar. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So she’s even allergic to him on the phone? Damn this girl is strange.#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: You know these dreams that Ana keeps having really points to him being the antichrist. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: “Christian Damn Grey. Maybe I should settle for one of these lesser males.” Not gonna lie. I just had a flashback to my high school diary.

@morsini: “I might even get drunk!” And the excitement implied in that sentence says everything you need to know about this book.#FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: Tenacious is used a bit too much for not containing the name Tenacious D. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: He’s 27. Why does he talk like such an old lady? #FiftyShadesofGrey“This is beyond the pale.”

@morsini: Her subconscious is talented! It metaphorically scolds her with a hand on its hip AND figuratively tuts at her over its half-moon specs.

@Kristoffrable: “Okay, let’s do coffee.” No ma’am you actually drink it, doing it would hurt. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: Soooo….who wants to tell me what “pressing his suit” means….?#FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: Okay so she’s never had her hand held? That’s a lot of H and a lot of bullshit. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: NOW HER SUBCONSCIOUS IS HULA-DANCING. Why isn’t this entire book written from the POV of her subconscious?

@Kristoffrable: Wait…you go to school for cookery? Yeah, um, Grey, we call it Culinary Arts asshat. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: SH!T JUST GOT REAL. Screw the subconscious and her hula dancing, Anastasia’s inner goddess knows ballroom.#FiftyShadesofGrey

@Kristoffrable: Oh shit…this coffee scene is practically out of ‘Twilight.’#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: I know that coffee scene comment should never be uttered by a man, but The Art of War taught me to know my enemy.#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: I’m pretty sure that your subconscious doesn’t scream at you metaphorically and in that context, it wasn’t. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: The Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition is probably as brutal as the Spanish Inquisition. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So we’re 53 pages in and the first reference to a British literature character. The best you have is the Cheshire cat?#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: Tonight we sign the love contract. I assume it says, “I enter this willingly and without force and won’t tell police I’m being abused.”

@Kristoffrable: I’ve never had our exams-are-finished-hurrah champagne, but I bet it sucks. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: I kind of wish she was throwing up on Jose as he was rape-kissing her. Oh, no need, Christian showed up everybody.#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: “Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey.” That happened. That’s a real sentence in an actual book.

@morsini: “I am retrospectively frustrated.” Once again we’ve raised the ordinary to extraordinary.

@morsini: I totally get what Christian sees in Anastasia. I hope one day that someone calls ME competent. *swoon*

@Kristoffrable: Can’t say I’ve ever wanted to be swallowed up by azaleas but after read it in this book, I still don’t. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Hahahahaha “Damn it, he wants his damned pound of flesh.” Don’t sharks have that mentality, not humans. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@morsini: So…I will say that the people in this book gasp a lot. Like, in ordinary conversation. They just gasp. Like, “He ate a grape. He gasped.”

@Kristoffrable: There is no way in hell some rich son of a bitch is wearing Converse sneakers…ever! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “The light is muted.” You can mute something that isn’t sound? That’s new to me. Dictionary confirms this is wrong. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So he’s a control freak for leaving out Advil and a glass of orange juice? What an asshole. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “Christian Grey’s sweat: the notion does odd things to me.” Yeah, means he should probably take a shower. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “I have no idea what he’s thinking…he hides his thoughts and feelings so well.” Yeah cuz we’re all mind readers. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery…” Wow, what a hell of a guy. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Did Christian Grey just call himself “Dark Knight?” This book needs to be thrown! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Nothing says lusting for men like rubbing his body wash all over you. Haha, now you smell like a dude. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “I wonder what else is in his job description.” I didn’t know buying you clothes that fit properly qualified for that. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: When Ana calls Grey profligate, all I can think of is Chapelle Show and the couch. “He was rich he could by another one.”#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So in other words, fuck your couch Grey! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So in another Chapelle Show reference, Grey needs a “Love Contract” to deflower her? Stop ruining a good show Grey!#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Sleeping in the same bed as someone, does not mean you “slept with them.” This girl is a complete dumbass. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: I’m pretty sure Grey is kissing her in the same way a Lion would tackle a Zebra. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “His erection is against my belly.” Pretty sure that’s not where it goes Grey. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Haha, that “jeez…get a room” comment. Cuz it wasn’t like you weren’t making out in an elevator. Hypocrite Ana. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently.” More like your ego…or the reader. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “Christian’s disembodied voice is in my ears through the headphones.” So wait, he’s dead? Surprised I’m not.#FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: So she compares flying & the view to ‘Blade Runner.’ Why is a bad book ruining a lot of things I like. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: “It’s not a room, it’s a mission statement?” What the fuck does that mean? #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Haha the “fuck hard” line was hilarious and Ana has an obsession with inquisitions, it’s very strange. #FiftyShadesOfGrey

@Kristoffrable: Oh, morale so far of #FiftyShadesOfGrey, get interested in some rich son of a bitch who will buy you first edition books that are expensive.

 

@Kristoffrable: And what do you know, after my #FiftyShadesOfGrey venture I have to take a shit. This can’t be coincidence, can it?

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One comment on “Why the Hell Would I Read Fifty Shades Of Grey?

  1. Pingback: Any of you boys want to shoot, now’s the time. | shezcrafti

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