The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 7/9/12.

 

Its another week of the AJ show!  Lets see how 90 pounds of dynamite affects the wrestling world when it explodes!

A recap of last week’s angle with AJ pushing Punk and then Bryan through a table.  It was loads of fun (to watch) last week and the WWE video crew does a great job of making all of it even more intense through this opening video package.  I cant wait.

AJ bounces down to the ring.  That’s how Raw starts.  With a woman who has barely wrestled in matches and has been no where near winning the Divas title (yet).  I think the last time a woman was this powerful on Raw – without loads of wrestling talent to back it up (Lita, Trish) it was Stephanie McMahon.

I really don’t want this to become the “kiss AJ’s ass” blog, but WWE has done a great job on here.  Just now noticing the appearance differences from now to her NXT debut.  Hair, makeup, and obviously the clothes.  The CM Punk colors which of course brings out the man.  The WWE Champion comes down and wants AJ to explain herself.  I think Punk could get through all 101 episodes of Colt Cabana’s Art of Wrestling podcast in less time than it would take for AJ to explain how her brain works.

Before that though we find out how her vagina works.  AJ tells Punk that he turns her on.  I needs me an AJ/CM shirt in classic AC/DC logo.  Make it happen!  Someone get Barbershop Window on the phone!  She’s motherfucking proposing?!

Sorry.  I got so wrapped up in Raw.  AJ pledges her love for Punk then gets down on one knee!  Daniel Bryan comes running down to stop this and counters with his own proposal.  Its catch as catch can wedding!  They go hold for hold!  Punk asks D-Bryan, “where’s your ring?”  I would have shit myself if Daniel responded with, “you’re standing in it!”

That sound and lights come back?!  The Anonymous GM is back?!  What a crazy episode already.  So crazy, I really thought Zack Ryder was supposed to be in charge tonight.  This is an entertaining as hell opening segment, but I still hope wrestling will eventually happen on tonight’s show.

AJ says she’ll be leaving the arena tonight with her future husband.  Millions of wrestling fans cry out in anguish that they aren’t at the arena tonight and thus cannot leave with AJ.

Holy shit, wrestling is about to happen!

Sheamus (World champion) vs. Jack Swagger.

Sheamus destroys Swagger in less time than it took me to sip my soda.  Alberto Del Rio appears on the TitanTron and pisses off Sheamus enough to give Swagger yet another kick to the mush.  Can we say Swagger is in the middle of a pull.  Its the opposite of a push.

Zack Ryder will be hosting Zack-down.  Alright, that’s cheesy but I love it.  Santino is going to search for the Anonymous Raw GM.  I bet he’s behind a curtain.

The Rock tweets he will be at the 1000th episode.  He will then say that he will never leave again.  We all look forward to the Rock’s return on the 2000th episode.

Tensai and Dolph Ziggler vs. Tyson Kidd and Christian (IC champ).

Vickie Guerrero is hanging out at the announce table for the match. Long time fans know that this will be a crap match with a fast finish.  No one gets on camera ring introductions, no music, nothing.  Tensai destroys Kidd to get the pin then destroys him some more afterwards.  Vickie watches Tensai decimate Tyson and it looks like the cougar wants something Oriental up in her rug.

Fact check:  My apologies.  Tensai trained in the Orient, but he himself is not Asian.  Also, everyone knows Vickie Guerrero is shaved down under.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler bicker and throw water.  Also, my math homework isn’t done yet and we have a big game tonight!  A match is made.  I go to third period.

Oh looks like Brodus Clay will be facing Drew…. son of a bitch!

I didn’t even get a chance to write McIntyre before that match was over.  This is not the Raw I want to see after the amazing PPV that TNA put on.

Santino accuses Jericho of being the Anonymous GM.  I still wonder why in the hell Jericho came back.  He’s done nothing!  Santino leaves and there’s the Big Show.  Jeri-Show reunites tonight!  Now that is a part of Chris Jericho’s return I can get behind.

Stephanie McMahon’s greatest Raw moment involves… herself!  Way to go!  Ground breaking!  Original!

Apparently one doesn’t need to pass the WWE Wellness Policy in order to Tweet.  Welcome aboard Charlie Sheen!

John Cena comes out and tells us all how and why he will win Money in the Bank.  So, just the expected kind of speech really.

John Cena and Kane vs. Chris Jericho and Big Show.

Its a match full of guys I’m bored with.  Cena needs to be freshened up, Jericho’s run is a joke.  Finally, both Big Show and Kane have been through so much crap that their characters suffer for it.  Show breaks up a pin and the referee calls for the bell.  Well that match was a bunch of shit.

I’ve tried doing a top matches of the week post, and Solace has done some more recently.  Its sad when the premier wrestling show of the week cant provide one good match.  Big Show beats people up.  Cena comes in with a ladder and clears house.  His music plays and I’m left empty.

CM Punk is stretching out and Eve stops by with some friendly advice for Punkers.  Eve does some nice manipulation here.  She lists the many Superstars who are arguably above Punk in the pecking order, and then adds AJ to that list.  It probably wont amount to anything but I would love this to be a catalyst for some more aggressive CM Punk work.

Money in the Bank Qualifier for the World title match: Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater.

So there’s going to be 8 guys going for the World title briefcase and only 4 trying for the “bigger” title?  I do not understand a damn thing going on with WWE tonight.

Two guys who don’t deserve to be on a PPV.  Heath is doing well as the egotistical loser.  One day he should have that spot.  But Sin Cara has been nothing and done nothing.  Didn’t Del Rio destroy him just last week?  Well, its still Heath Slater so of course Sin Cara wins.

This has been a horrible night of wrestling.  I’m really blaming Vince and/or Hunter for this one.  It feels like the show was rewritten around 8PM.

Heath says he can beat any former champion, and that’s why he belongs in Money in the Bank.  Heath’s Blast from the Past opponent for this evening is… Bob Backlund!  It is so brave and strong of Bob Backlund to come out and wrestle tonight just days after his TV Dad, Andy Griffith, passed away.

Bob slaps on the chicken wing and damn he looked good for a guy who looked old over ten years ago.

We are unfortunately going to see Lawler vs. Cole tonight.  Because the wrestling action couldn’t suffer any further I guess.

I need to sign up for yet another social network now?  What the fuck is Tout?  And Shazam never did it for me.  I’m a Captain Marvel guy myself.

Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler.

Booker T and Josh Matthews come out to do the announcing.  Booker tosses Cole in the ring.  Lawler breaks out the airplane spin.  He must have been hurting too much to hit the Steam Engine Driver.

Lawler wins but that Anonymous GM reverses the decision because of Booker’s interference.  Santino comes out as Sherlock Holmes and he is about to tell us the identity of the Anonymous Raw GM.  People, this person is holding one of the current WWE titles.  You wouldn’t know it, but what in the shit.

Speaking of what in the shit, why is the Anonymous GM laptop — which sends e-mails — actually just a piece of paper set on top of a laptop?  Does no one in WWE know how a laptop works?  Just turn it on and pretend to be reading an e-mail off of the screen.  But to have a piece of paper is cheap.  Also, if you’re going to just use a piece of paper and be cheap – don’t show the fucking piece of paper!

So, it turns out Hornswoggle was the Anonymous GM all along.  I’m ready to turn off the TV at this point.  Punk and Bryan are my only hope for this evening.

Eve Torres and Daniel Bryan vs. AJ and CM Punk (WWE Champion).

Eve must have found her last name while on that boot camp reality show thing.  Good thing she’s not Eve Marie.  That show is fine with M and they like S (as in torreS) but if you have MS you are off the show.  Too soon?

AJ comes out so many times now in any recent episode of either Raw or Smackdown that I know her theme song as well as I know Real American or Demolition.

We get nothing from Punk and Bryan.  They exchange just long enough for AJ to get the hot tag and AJ very easily defeats and pins Eve.

Then both men jockey for AJ’s affections.  Its still great.  AJ is batshit insane.  Both men are only “loving” her in order to keep or gain the WWE title this Sunday.  I can only hope and cross my fingers that that match makes all of this worth it.  The potential is very high for this to be great.

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