The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 7/16/12.

 

It is the 999th episode of the Monday Night tradition!  Some weeks it sucks, other weeks its the best two hours on all of television.  Lets see which option tonight brings!

CM Punk comes out to start the show.  Punk reminds us that a year ago he dropped his first pipe bomb.  Yes and in that time he finally was pushed to the front of all of wrestling.  However has he lost his edge?  Lets see what he talks about.

We get an AJ mention already.  That’s cool.  I talk about AJ a lot too.  Punk says he wouldn’t have been on the first Raw, because guys like him weren’t in WWE then.  This brings out Big Show.  Well, guys like him are always in WWE.

Show says he should have won last night.  Its crazy.  Anytime the face wins, the heel seems to always say that he should have won.  This is a staggering coincidence.  I wonder if anyone else has noticed it.  Show says had he won he would have cashed in the briefcase right now and would have also beat Punk for the title.  I think Punk is smart and skilled enough to take the giant down.

Its a battle of words.  Punk says Show is a loser.  Show says Punk is just another piece in the overall WWE machine, a piece that can be replaced and forgotten at any time.  Really, Show has a point.  When was the last time the WWE title was the last match of a PPV?

Show drops the mic and walks off.   I guess this is meant to be his version of a pipe bomb.

“He Touted about it”?  No.  No one Touts about anything yet.

WWE is asking fans to send in their votes for what title should be defended next week on Raw 1000.  Um, its Raw 1000 and is 3 hours long.  EVERY title should be defended.

Kofi Kingston and R-Truth (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. The Prime Time Players (with AW).

Lets see how fast AW can kill the crowd tonight.  I have never seen a sadder crowd than last night’s tag match at MITB.  There is a surprising amount of purple in this match.

Titus and Darren are really quite good.  Its a wonder Titus is as agile as he is.  That is one big big man.  Darren keeps improving and seems like he’s just one improvised promo or move away from putting it all together and becoming a star.

Ow!  Takes a shitty DDT bump though.  Wow that looked nasty.  AW distracts the referee but he only distracts his own charges.  Kofi with a kick and Truth with another dangerous looking DDT and that’s it for the Prime Time Players.  There’s a good chance they’ll win those belts sometimes soon.  But then again I’ve been saying that about the Usos for awhile.

AJ is on her phone and Daniel Bryan shows up.  He’s a big fan of Angry Birds.  D-Bryan apologizes for how he’s treated AJ since WrestleMania.  It is a very genuine sounding apology but who knows with Bryan.  Eve appears and sets up a tag team match for tonight.  She then says that “payback is exactly what AJ is”.  Payback is the brilliant, adorable and entertaining as shit number one Diva in the company?  Damn I was told the wrong definitions back in grade school.

Everyone on good terms with WWE and/or not in TNA right now is expected for Raw 1000 next week.  I for one cant wait to see the reunion of Right to Censor.

So do Tout videos embed?  Who is already on it?  I need to figure this out.

Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio.

No car for Del Rio, plus he walks out in a pissed off mood?  Yeah Zack is about to be destroyed.  Zack tries to fight back but Del Rio begins to attack the arm.  Once that arm is hit once Alberto stays on it the entire match until Ryder has to give up to an arm bar.  ADR attacks the arms some more after the match and…. its the return of Rey Mysterio!

In two minutes Rey just looked more exciting and more legitimate than the entirety of Sin Cara’s matches in WWE.  Rey stands triumphant.  Alberto runs off.  And we all look forward to having an actual Mexican star in WWE.

Heath Slater comes into the ring and just wants the mysterious blast from the past to come out and get it over with.   Its… Rikishi!  Sweet I was wondering when we would see him again.  Heath gets in one more.  One.  Rikishi hits the side kick, and shows some great flexibility for a big guy.  Then its the Stink Face followed up by a big butt splash.  Rikishi looked pretty good during all of that.  I wouldn’t be shocked to see him in the WWE Hall of Fame eventually.

Rikishi gets ready to dance, but the lights go out.  Oh no will something bad happen to Rikishi?  No, the lights are up and Rikishi’s sons – the Usos – are in the ring to dance with their Dad!  Really cool moment.  Hey maybe the Usos can use this cool moment to get over.

Eve Torres and…. the Miz vs. Daniel Bryan and AJ.

Yes.  There are former Divas, US, tag, World, WWE (did Miz ever win the Intercontinental?) champions in the ring.  But the brand new girl who has yet to win anything just got the spotlight final entrance out of all four competitors.  She must be wearing green because everyone is seeing dollar signs in her.

Wait.  Is Daniel Bryan a face all of a sudden?  Miz is most definitely heel.  AJ is… well she’s AJ.  But in theory we need a heel and a face here.  Will Bryan be tag teaming with CM Punk by next week?

AJ has added some good kicks to her arsenal.  She goes for the pin and Miz distracts the referee.  AJ gets that cock to the side and the crazy eyes and drop kicks Miz off the apron!  Oh she is batshit.  Eve rolls up AJ but D-Bryan reverses it and these two crazy kids get the pin.

Bryan says he’s sorry for everything he did to AJ and he didn’t realize how much she meant to him.  Eh, maybe.  He then proposes!  If she accepts by saying “ohhhhh yeah!” I may pop a wrestling boner.  That… that didn’t sound right at all.

Daniel gets down on a knee and pulls out the ring.  He puts it on AJ’s finger before she says anything but its ok because she ends up saying yes.  Yes.  Yes.

This is insane.  I hope they get married next week.  I hope faces from AJ’s past show up for it too.  Faces like Jay Lethal and Lita.

Yup.  AJ and Daniel Bryan have sent out a Tweet that they’ll get married next week on Raw.  Thankfully they sent out their wedding announcements in a Tweet.  I’ll buy them an app off the registry and call it a day.

Jack Swagger vs… Ryback.

Damn.  They’re about to feed him a former World champion.  Or maybe not!  Wow.  Ryback is down!  Swagger hits a gut wrench suplex and a big splash from the ropes.  Ryback tries to fight back but he gets a shoulder tackle for his efforts.  Ryback finally comes back and hits four big power moves for… for the end of the segment I guess.  The match never officially started.  What, Swagger is being protected now?  This really didn’t make much sense.  Unless, and its a big maybe, Ryback and Swagger will have a rematch, this was a bad bad angle.

Either Vickie Guerrero got her boobs done or that is a very flattering top.  Seriously, give it up for her.  No one in the history of WWE has ever transformed their body more.  For the better.

Vickie introduces Dolph Ziggler.  Zigs comes out in a suit with the MITB briefcase and looks pimp as fuck.  Damn this boy better win the big belt and not be the first to fail.  Dolph says he’s better than all previous champions.  This brings out Chris Jericho.  Oh that’s right kids, before his current run in WWE Chris Jericho was actually a competitor and a damn good one.  He even won some titles too!  Not today though.  Chris wants to talk but Dolph shuts him down.

Chris Jericho looks like he’s been studying at Sting’s school of goofy faces.  Dolph tears Jericho apart.  Its probably the promo of Ziggler’s career.  He pretty much calls Jericho a failure and its tough to argue with any of the points Dolph makes.  Dolph says Chris is losing his touch.  Jericho has been emasculated and even worse he is silent.  How can he argue with what Dolph is saying?  It hurts more and more and …. wow I bet that hurt!  Jericho grabs Dolph’s neck and then drops down for the Code Breaker.  Dolph is out and Chris looks badass as hell.  Great work by both guys.  So far that is the segment of the night.

Promos of all the stuff that will be happening next week.  Brodus Clay comes out and dances.  Waste of the last 10 minutes.

AJ and Daniel Bryan will appear on the Peep Show on Friday’s Smackdown.

Brodus Clay vs JTG.

Well, JTG actually gets an entrance but chances are he’s getting defeated in oh… I’ll say three minutes.

I would say the match was competitive but that’s a lie.  It was a stalling match.  Let JTG hit a bunch of stuff, none of which looks to actually hurt.  Then give Brodus Clay this huge comeback in which he destroys JTG and then dances with children.  Ugh.  I really want something good next week.

Donald Trump remembers being on Raw.  So, you know, I guess he hasn’t started forgetting things yet in his old age.

CM Punk (WWE Champion) vs. Big Show.

Show beats on Punk for at least half of the match, if not more.  The story is that Punk isn’t tough enough to beat Big Show.  So far with all the punches and slaps and related beatings Punk looks like there is no way he could hide behind …. I don’t know  tables and ladders and stuff.

Punk tries anything and he latches on to the giant’s back with hopes of a choke.  Show moves his girth around and Punk is out of the hold

Big Show pauses way too long to throw a punch and next thing we all know CM Punk is hitting all his signature moves and there’s a real good chance he’s about to carry Show to a good match.

Damn I’m falling asleep here.  We need something to happen.  And for this match to end.

Oh fucking A.  Of course it ends in this bullshit way.  Show gets distracted and pushes the refree,

Show is ready to punch out Punk but first John Cena comes out with the ‘case.  Then Cena hestitates.  Was he there as a friend to Punk, or was he going to cash in,  Very interesting how unsure this all is.

Show begs Cena to cash in.  Big Show is really pushing it too.  It sounds like he’s trying to make him turn heel.  But Cena cant do things that way.  Its not the “right” way.  Cena announces he will cash in next week and face CM Punk for the WWE title.

Well at least we can guarantee the WWE title will be in the main event, now that Cena’s in the match too.

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