Well that would be a very new WWE opening video to start off the show. Looked pretty cool too.
Now we see what began 999 episodes ago in Manhattan! Oh there are some glorious memories on display here. Debuts and moves and silliness and guests and controversy and we are only minutes into this show and I am excited for tonight. No one, that’s right No. One. does these video packages like WWE.
You know what WWE just did? They made us all, the entire WWE Universe, feel like a family. This felt like going through old videos and photos of our crazy family. I am already on the edge of my seat.
There is a new music playing and it is not what we expected earlier. Something saying “everybody get loud”. Good beat to it. Have to find that one.
The show officially starts with the man who created all that we see before us, Mr McMahon. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are in suits and this tiny move gives the evening that little bit of class and respectability that such a milestone deserves. The fans chant “thank you Vince”. Is the WWE going to make me proud and happy to be a wrestling fan tonight?
Vince introduces DeGeneration X?! That doesn’t seem right at all! No matter, the most controversial act in professional wrestling history is on the way to the ring. Triple H and Shawn Michaels come out in their brand new DX shirts which I’m sure can be bought in the arena and at WWEShop.com. Probably with glow sticks and bears and other not at all related items as well.
Shawn feels like something is missing. Is it his smile? Triple H breaks out the line of the night so far “did there used to be… more of us?” Oh shit this is going to be huge. Oh. Wow. Road Dogg, Billy Gunn and X-Pac ride out in an Army Jeep and us long term wrestling fans are losing our damn minds.
I really think this is the first time that this version of DX have all been in the ring together. While Shawn and Hunter had an affiliation with the New Age Outlaws, it was not until Shawn’s first retirement that they officially joined DX. Someone update the Wikipedia for this 2K12 version of the degenerates.
Oh the marks get everything we want already. Billy Gunn and Shawn going for the same catch phrase. Making fun of HBK in Playgirl and losing his smile. I don’t even care if there is no wrestling on tonight’s show. I’m loving every bit of this so far. Who the hell’s music is this? Oh you gotta be shitting me. Damien Sandow interrupts. Hey cool, there was a Damian on the first Raw and a Damien on the 1000th. I mean, we’re about to see a possible up and coming star get destroyed possibly beyond repair, but hey lets see what happens.
Team meeting. The DX team decides Damien deserves some Sweet Chin Music and a Pedigree. Well at least it came from the boss. I suppose that’s acceptable. Damn shame Road Dogg didn’t get a chance to hype up Are You Serious?
New match graphics include all the social media graphics. We may mock WWE for their new love of all things social media, but this is groundbreaking. This really is how all graphic will be within a couple years.
AHHHH!!!! Its Evil Jim Ross! He is from the alternate dimension! Oh, apparently it is our Good Ole JR and he just grew a goatee. The planet is saved!
Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara and Sheamus (World champion) vs. Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler (Smackdown Money in the Bank winner, with Vickie Guerrero) and Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez)
Well at least they don’t make Sin Cara jump off of a trampoline anymore. Little shocked that Sheamus is the partner. One, it takes him out of doing anything else on tonight’s show. Two, with Rey and Sin Cara why not have some other Luchadore? Bring back Juventud!
Well here are your World title feuds and main events for the next year. While I think Sin Cara is a bust and Del Rio just cannot connect with the audience, it also shows how much WWE has grown since the first episode. Mexico, Ireland, even in a round about way Japan are all represented in the match.
The Superstars Touts will be seen on WWE.com. Look guys I’m trying Tout, I really am,. but if you’re not going to put it on Raw I don’t think I can make the effort to Tout it out each and every week. I want recognition!
Anyways, average match. Quick tags in and out. No real story happening but there are too many guys in the ring to even try to. Its just a showcase match. Yup. All it takes is a heel coming in to break up a pin and everyone is attacking everyone. Sheamus tries to hit White Noise on Jericho but Chris fights back. Jericho is about to get one up on Sheamus when Dolph comes out of no where to knock Chris in the face! Jericho is down, Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and that’s it. Wow. I wouldn’t say Dolph is turning face but he damn sure does not care who he pisses off.
That’s it for JR? The guy deserves to be out there for the entire night.
Charlie Sheen is appearing “live” via Skype. Remember when he was going to Tweet all about it… then gave up his Twitter? Much like he gave up his career, his teeth, his livelihood? What a fucking joke. Hopefully that is the only shit part of the show.
AJ is excited about her small private special wedding. In front of the WWE Universe. Layla says she’s crazy. AJ says everyone here is crazy. She opens the door and awesome takes place: Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, R-Truth and Lil Jimmy, Mae Young and her hand son (alright that was fucking hilarious). That was one of the most bizarre Raw moments in history and I’m going to need a moment to stop laughing.
Jack Swagger doesn’t get a ring entrance because we have to kiss Sonic’s ass first. I’ve never even had Sonic. But I have met Jack Swagger. Maybe I should track down a Sonic next time I’m in another state and see how the two experiences compare.
Jack Swagger vs. Brodus Clay with butt dancer 1 and butt dancer 2.
Now WWE wants us to use Shazam. What the hell is wrong with Captain Marvel?! Brodus is decked out in some ridiculous red white and blue gear. Little too much. And odd as hell when he’s going up against the All American American. Brodus invites out his dance partner … Dude Love! Alright, that’s a fun one. Do the Funkettes know who Dude Love is? He was only a three time WWE Champion. Not like he fought Melina or Alicia Fox. Jack is squashed, quite literally, and pinned in seconds. He gets a Mr Socko just for fun too.
Trish Stratus (who, you know, everyone was saying wouldn’t be there tonight) is trying to get Triple H to do yoga. Didn’t they already get in trouble on a previous Raw for getting into odd positions with each other? The rest of DX show up to mock Hunter while he’s in full downward dog. X-Pac creeps out Trish. She must have seen the same video.
Daniel Bryan talks to men in white. Groomsmen? Chefs? Waiters? Or, my guess, orderlies from the mental institution.
The new WWE graphics give icons for Tout, Twitter, Facebook and YouTube but honestly what good are those graphics when I cant click on them? Ohhhh…. is that a new technology coming? That would actually be cool.
Jerry Lawler introduces the man who will be marrying AJ and Daniel Bryan… and its the Reverend Slick! Holy crap! Jive Soul Bro in 2012! Oh that is fantastic. Michael Cole tells us that Slick was the first African American manager in WWF/WWE history. Well then why isn’t he in the Hall of Fame? Doctor of Style in 2013!
Daniel Bryan, all in white, comes out for his traditional groomsmen entrance. I wonder if I can talk my bride into letting me walk out while yelling Yes Yes Yes! Or maybe I can say I do in that way.
AJ comes out and she looks lovely! Not skanky, not ridiculous. She looks how she probably will look whenever she actually does get married. Daniel holds the ring ropes open for AJ, which is a tradition that is unfortunately lacking in so many weddings I attend.
Holy crap, Slick said AJ Lee! WWE Divas cant have last names!
Apparently all of us in the WWE Universe are the witnesses. I don’t remember signing any forms. I should make sure to get hold of Slick. I don’t want my lack of signature to screw up the legality of their vows.
Slick asks the requisite “speak now or forever hold your piece (or is it peace?)” There are fans holding Yes Yes Yes signs chanting No No No. The audience might be as crazy as AJ. Daniel’s vows just don’t sound right at all. “I will finally have everything I want.” Something sounds sinister in here. He says Yes, AJ very quickly says Yes and maybe we have a wedding without drama in wrestling. At the last moment AJ stops everything. She wasn’t saying yes to Daniel, she said yes to someone else. Who the fuck else is in the ring?! AJ says another man made a proposal to her earlier tonight. We wait…. and Mr McMahon’s music plays?! No! Your wife is running for public office! Oh. Vince says its a business proposal. What sort of business… holy shit! AJ is the new general manager of Raw! Someone just locked up every woman of the year award in wrestling. I can only hope AJ inaugurates the all new Skipping title next week.
Back from commercial and Daniel Bryan is still freaking out in the ring. Who can stop this man?! CM Punk’s music hits and we have two marks who grew up to become the two biggest stars in WWE today. Dreams do come true! For those of you who missed out and just joined us CM Punk gives loads of exposition to get you all caught up. Daniel continues to descend into madness and calls himself the greatest WWE Superstar of all time. That’s not a smart thing to do tonight. Yup…. here comes the Rock!
We’re in luck! The Rock has a new t-shirt for sale too!
Rock shaved his goatee. Head still just as bald as AJ’s… whoa hey now slow up there. That is the new general manager of Raw you were about to make rude comments about!
Rock takes ten minutes to call Daniel “Frodo” and then turns his attention to CM Punk. It is announced that at the Royal Rumble the Rock will face whoever is the WWE Champion for the title. Oh good, and here I thought he was going to have to earn it. Words. Both men claim they will be the champion. Daniel Bryan interrupts and wants all of the attention back on himself. I’m not sure if the Rock is brilliant or just killing the main event scene worse than Big Show destroyed the tag team division last week. Rock hits a Rock Bottom on Bryan and finally brings this segment to a close.
Damn right its “Vintage Rock”. He hits a big move, gets to look strong against a main event talent, and then walks away to not return for months.
A special guest ring announcer is brought out for the next match…. and its Bret the Hitman Hart!
The open door policy for WWE is wonderful. For years and years we thought that Bret would never be seen again in the WWE. Great that things can be patched up and the deeds of the past can be forgiven. Bret, a former champion, introduces the competitors for tonight’s match:
Christian (Intercontinental champion) vs. The Miz
Ha! Bret says “the Miz” in such a shitty way. Its like he would rather say WCW is the greatest company in the world than say “the miz”. Anyways, hey look its Miz!
Christian leaps off the ropes down on the Miz and comes up grasping his leg. Oh Christian, be careful, you don’t want to get a reputation for being injury prone. Plenty of talented wrestlers aren’t here tonight because they were labeled as such. If the story of this match is that Christian’s leg is hurting, he is doing a horrible job selling it. Miz’s larger hair looks ridiculous. Christian’s Killswitch finisher only helps the Miz set up Skull Crushing Finale. They jockey for position and Christian escapes by flipping over Miz. Oops now there goes that knee again. Miz finally locks on the Finale and drops Christian down. The Miz is now a Triple Crown Champion!
This show needed a title change. Excellent work. In fact I would say there’s only been one bad thing tonight and that would be… mother fucker not Charlie Sheen again!
I’m done with covering any Sheen part of the show. This is the most unnecessary thing in wrestling since Master P.
Triple H comes out and… he couldn’t bother to change?! You’re out here as a representative of the company, as a man in charge, and you haven’t been on camera for nearly an hour. Change your damn clothes!
I love it when the booker comes out half way through the show and asks us fans if we’re enjoying the show.
Paul Heyman comes out instead of Brock. Give us some gold Paul! Oh and he does. Paul brings in Hunter’s kids. He starts to go down a dangerous path saying those kids will have to answer for the sins of their father. It starts to get nasty. What will happen next?
Ah shit its Stephanie McMahon! The Billion Dollar Princess is back on TV! Its been forever and she still looks fantastic. Stephanie mentions all of Paul’s failures. Hey at least WCW and ECW get a mention on the 1000th episode. Stephanie lights into Paul and slaps him across the face. There is a heel who is not afraid to show his ass. Paul is finally pushed to his limit and agrees to the match at SummerSlam. Stephanie pounces on Paul and beats him down from a full mount. Triple H is so worried about protecting Stephanie he leaves himself open for the attack by Brock Lesnar. Brock might be the scariest most dangerous wrestler today. Hunter fights him off, but the look on Brock’s face says that this war is far from over.
Raw 1000 look back at the Austin vs McMahon feud. Well that actually makes me a bit worried that Stone Cold will not be appearing on camera tonight.
Santino Marella (US champion) comes out with Hornswoggle and they bring out the new WWE Brawling Buddies. Oh good. I was worried nothing had moved ahead in nearly 30 years. Its not like there were wrestling buddies back in the days of Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior.
Howard Finkel comes out to be the special ring announcer for the next match. Unfortunately that means he is not the legend that Heath Slater will be facing tonight.
Heath Slater vs… any legend in a No DQ, No Count out match. Who will accept?! Its LITA!!!!
Here is the problem with the current Divas division and how they’re booked. Not one, not ONE, would ever get the reaction that Lita gets. She doesn’t look like a day has passed. But just in case she’s not as good as she once was, Lita has hired some protection. Holy crap its the APA! I mean I expect Ron Simmons but JBL so very rarely makes any appearances in WWE. Heath tries to escape but all of his former foes come out: Sid Vicious, Rikishi, Doink, Vader, Animal, Sgt Slaughter, Diamond Dallas Page, Bob Backlund, Roddy Piper.
Lita hits a perfect moonsault and then stands surrounded by the Legends of wrestling who believe she has earned her spot next to them. There is only one thing that can be said about this moment. “DAMN!”
Daniel Bryan is going to be interviewed by… Sean Mooney?! Oh tonight is insane. Really the only bad thing about the evening is Charlie Sheen. Kudos to WWE for one of the best Raws of all time. And there is still more to come!
Michael Cole shows off the WWE’s 100,000,000th social media follower. Wait a minute. I follow many of them on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube and now on Tout. Does this mean I account for, oh…., a hundred or so of those followers?
Fozzie Bear returns to Raw! He tells us some of the great catch phrases from the history of Monday Night Raw. Fozzie then tries to imitate the Rock’s tongue wag. Which means that Fozzie is imitating oral sex.
Zack Ryder, Mean Gene and John Cena talk backstage. Zack theorizes that Okerlund is behind GTV. Wow. First the Anonymous GM and now GTV. Who raised the briefcase?! The Rock shows up and the two make plans for the Royal Rumble. Maybe a nice brunch first.
Kane vs…. Jinder Mahal, Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks, Hunico, Camacho and Drew McIntyre. Damn. How will Kane get out of this one?
Ah shit. Its the Undertaker. This really is one of the greatest shows of all time.
Undertaker comes out looking like Frazetta’s Death Dealer. That is one bad ass ring jacket. The guys usually seen only on WWE Superstars get massacred and are quickly sent back to the middle of the card. The Brothers of Destruction have stereo choke slams and stereo tombstones. The fans start to chant “this is awesome” and we get a classic pose from these two monsters.
Some fucking drug addict appears on Skype.
John Cena (cashing in his Raw Money in the Bank briefcase) vs. CM Punk (WWE Champion).
Slow start to the match but then Cena starts to get violent. Some clubbering blows and a real nasty attitude. Punk is just straight up wrestling. Neither approach appears to be enough to gain an advantage on either man’s opponent. Cole and Lawler say no one has ever told ahead of time when they will cash in Money in the Bank. Um, Rob Van Dam. Extreme Rules. Was actually very big at the time.
The match starts to come together when both men fight back from the other’s signatures. Cena fights out of the corner. Punk kicks John in the head before the five knuckle shuffle. Attitude Adjustment! But oh that’s a damn shame the referee has been knocked out. On this episode of Raw literally anyone could come out. Ah shit its the Big Show. Cena is checking on the referee and has no idea that the Big Show is behind him. Show spears Cena and then readies himself for the knockout blow. Punk hides in the corner because, fuck it, not his fight. Show punches out Cena and walks away. Punk looks at what has happened and realizes that hell match is over. May as well pin the man. As Punk is currently a good guy he actually debates on it. The champion heads to the outside to grab the referee. Will this give Cena time to recover or is the knockout punch that devastating that no amount of time will do?
Its enough time. Punk throws the referee back in and goes for the cover but its only a two. Punk dead lifts Cena up for the GTS but John floats over and locks on the STF. It looks like a new champion may just be crowned but Big Show comes running back out. Show is destroying John Cena and Punk turns his back. The Rock of all people comes running down to help out Cena. Couple of punches, spine buster and the People’s … NO! Holy crap CM Punk just stopped the Rock. Heel turn! Heel TURN!!!!
CM Punk clotheslines the Rock then drops down and hits the Go To Sleep on the Rock. Oh the mother fucking man has gone as far as he can in one direction and now he swings that character back over to the other side. Some in the audience are booing and some love Punk even more after this.
That was one hell of an ending. Raw has always been unpredictable. With CM Punk as champion and AJ as the general manager, that unpredictability is more true now than ever before.