Otter Pops. A summer tradition for generations of children. They are delicious, refreshing, and wonderful.
No screw that, some are better than others. Its time to decide which flavors we want and which ones can be shared with the gross kid down the street. Mom, I don’t wanna have to share my Otter Pops! Fine. He can have the ones I don’t want.
Screw This Guy Dishonorable Mention:
Rip Van Lemon
I know that the only thing I want on a hot summer day is something that will piss off my mouth. My taste buds need refreshment and instead they’re rewarded with a shot of bitter. No child has ever been given the choice of orange, apple, grape or lemon and reached for the lemon. Lemon flavor is an adult taste. Seriously, how good is some lemon pepper chicken? The only time a child wants lemonade is if there is two parts of sugar for every one part of water inside. Rip Van Lemon has been taking his long sleep since the 1970s. No one is in a rush to wake him up.
6. Strawberry Short Kook
No one wants strawberry. You see red you hope for cherry, apple, even fruit punch. But strawberry never enters that wish list. Its a horrible fabricated flavor. It tastes like its about to get sticky on your fingers and where ever you’re sitting. Strawberry is a lie.
Then there is this horrible outfit. Yes, cartoon characters rarely wear full outfits. Sure, she’s in a skirt but where is the top? Her arms look like she’s trying to cover up nipples sorely lacking symmetry.
Why its just Kook-y! No good could ever come from naming anyone “Kook”. One tongue tie away from getting your ass kicked. Then while you’re laying on the ground someone will pour the nasty strawberry flavored liquid on your head so horribly only cutting your hair will remove it.
5. Poncho Punch
Fruit Punch is like the appendix of children’s drinks. It seems to have always existed, so we allow it to continue to exist. Its never anyone’s first choice. Not in soda, nor Kool Aid, nor Otter Pops. Not one fast food joint or restaurant has Fruit Punch as a soda option. Neither Pepsi or Coca Cola have a star fruit punch. Its more of an after thought. Maybe once a year you’re shopping at the dollar store and want something different. Oh look, fruit punch, its been awhile.
You know what doesn’t make me more excited to buy anything fruit punch flavored? Thinly veiled Mexican stereotypes. Does Poncho have a chain wallet or is that the cord for his electric guitar extending into the ether. And who wears spurs when you’re on a thin plastic pouch containing colored liquid? You’re going to get it everywhere Poncho! And its red! Mom is going to be so pissed you ruined the car.
4. Sir Isaac Lime
The best artwork, but unfortunately he is on a bland flavor. Its lemon lime, two flavors! Yes, but so is 7 Up and Sprite and how exciting are they? Delicious flavors to be sure, but with zero excitement. The green color cleans up easily, and doesn’t dye to the level of upcoming flavors. It is the definition of acceptable. Not the first choice, not hated either.
However, that art is still fantastic. Older, with mustache and test tube (or is it a telescope). And he is named Sir! Somewhere in Otter Pop land there is a kingdom that has rewarded Isaac Lime for his contributions to society.
A great picture can raise an average flavor, just as a bad one can destroy a good flavor.
3. Little Orphan Orange
I mean. Its just. Its so damn depressing. It is so depressing it ruins orange. Orange! Crush, Hi-C, Skittles, assorted Swedish Fish, Mountain Dew Live Wire. Orange is amazing! So what gets thrown on here? Little Orphan Orange. Its a depressed otter. Why is she depressed? Did someone just tell her that her Thurber dog is about to be put down? Plus, she is an orphan! Who are her parents? What happened to them? Will Little Orphan Orange grow up to become Batman? Oh! Maybe we now know what happened to Rip Van Lemon.
2. Louie-Bloo Raspberry
Blue. Its just the most wonderful dye. It makes your tongue blue, lips, teeth, fingers, everything. Unfortunately there really isn’t a whole lot of blue fruits out there. Not a whole lot of blue in edible nature either. Blue corn. What else? So lets mash ‘em up! Blue Raspberry! Its a complicated flavor, but not really. It fools a child’s mind and starts them down a quest to always try new foods. Kids know what colors raspberries can be. Blue is not really one of them (maybe purple). So everything they already know says this cant possibly taste like raspberries and then, boom!, raspberry. Parents and grandparents give dirty looks over eating/drinking something of such an unnatural color. It becomes a child’s solace. That special treat that is most definitely their own.
Then look at him! Goofy hat and a flower. Louie looks like he wants to blow off school/work and just lay in the park getting high, staring at clouds. Who are you to tell Louie he’s gotta go?!
1. Alexander the Grape
Its grape. You know who loves grape? Kids. How much? Purple is a flavor. A color is a flavor. Think of how an actual grape tastes. Now think of how purple tastes. That color dye has a very specific flavor that is instantly recognizable. No other color has this. Not red, green, yellow, orange (ok that’s a little different due to them being the same words). A child could be eating something else entirely and think, this tastes like purple! Not grape. Purple.
Plus, its an educational Otter Pop. Kids will want to know why this otter is called Alexander the Grape. Teach them about ancient Greece! Partner up this flavor with Honeydew Hephaestion!
(This post was inspired by the following from my friend Reis O’Brien at Lair of the Dork Horde.)
Top 5 Friday! My Top 5 Favorite Childhood Frozen Treats!