Its three hours, its Shawn Michaels appreciation night and its more from the captivating AJ Lee and the controversial CM Punk. Its time for Monday Night Raw!
Long recap of last week’s events. Hopefully that’s it and we can get into some new stuff now. Its a three hour show after all. Plenty of time for new and cool things. AJ comes out and makes matches for the night. Sounds like a good Raw. Before she can put the champ in the ring, CM Punk’s music hits and he is on his way to the ring.
Punk apologizes for yelling at AJ last week. Is he the new master manipulator or is this a genuine change of heart? Oh, well I guess saying she made mistakes is not a good way to go if he was intending to be sincere. Punk wants out of the SummerSlam match. The fans chant NO. Damn its crazy how the two simplest words have now caught on as catchphrases.
AJ wont change her mind and there is still a huge main event scheduled for SummerSlam. Punk kisses her ass (get in line marks!) and still tries to have SummerSlam changed. Well someone doesn’t like that and here comes John Cena. I was ready for this to be the usual bullshit but Cena makes some excellent points. Why does Punk think he should always get respect when Cena is a multi multi world champion and still has people giving him shit each and every week. Cena introduces himself to AJ. Yeah, divorce is grand isn’t it?
Words and more words. Both men say they’ll win. The usual. Big Show comes out and damn no one wants to hear him talk. AJ shuts everyone up before Show even gets to the ring. AJ announces that Punk will take on one of three men, as decided upon by the WWE Universe. Great idea, but this still doesn’t get CM Punk in the main event on Raw. He still has reason to complain. Your options to face Punk are Miz, Kane, or Rey Mysterio.
The fans have chosen Rey Mysterio. Excellent choice. These two had some of their best matches in their WWE careers against each other.
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio.
Really an extraordinary match. The two men just have chemistry. They also work with each other. Its not a crazy high flying match. If anything its a ground match for the majority of it. Constant back and forth. I couldn’t give either man an advantage in the match. Its to the point that even though its a non title match on Raw shortly before a PPV the fans really think Rey is going to win. If he did I would have to imagine that SummerSlam would then become a four way match. Crazy crowd tonight and that is helping this match. Rey comes off the top but Punk puts up his knees. That’s the first mistake and the only one needed to finish off this match.
I’m shocked that Rey lost clean. He just came back and had a great showing here. Yet Punk is being billed as the Best in the World and the best has to be able to beat some opponents. Maybe even beat them clean while he’s a heel.
Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo show up. Del Rio takes a long time parking his car. Ohhhh, I bet this will be brought up later!
Wade Barrett return video! Damn I am actually excited for this. Fantastic video too. It was like Doctor Who Fight Club. Geronimo!
Alberto Del Rio shows up to kiss AJ’s ass. Del Rio doesn’t want to wrestle tonight and AJ is cool with that. Del Rio says they were worried she would do something crazy. Oh no! And Ricardo left Alberto’s gear in the car too. Good thing we saw that car get parked.
Christian comes out off camera and is facing Del Rio tonight so I’m guessing he’ll be on the losing end here.
Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez).
Del Rio rushes out to the ring. He isn’t ready, he isn’t taped up and this does not make for a happy Conquistador. That’s the best part of the match. Del Rio attacks the arm, Christian tries to avoid having it attack and fight back. I try. I try each and every week but I see nothing in Del Rio. Someone sell me on him, please. Del Rio has to take off his boot to get the sneak attack in on Christian. If his boot is that dangerous, wouldn’t it be as dangerous if not more so with his foot inside? Oh I have enjoyed none of this match.
Sheamus appears on the TitanTron to mess with Del Rio. Sheamus steals Alberto’s car and drives it around San Antonio. You know, like we all do on a quiet summer night. Its a damn shame Sheamus cant afford a car. I mean he can pay off that two million and 46 cent fine from a few months back… but a car?! That’s crazy talk!
Randy Orton vs. The Big Show.
Ho boy. Alright lets guess while the guys walk down. Show cant lose, because he';s in the title match in two weeks. Orton cant lose because he thinks he’s bigger than that and also just returned. So I’m going to guess John Cena runs out and attacks the Big Show, thus causing a DQ. Lets see…
They fight, blah blah. Lot of the usual. Orton surprises Show and the giant looks like an oaf. Randy is going to hit the RKO and we’re all surprised. Then surprised again when Show fights out and hits a big choke slam for the 1… 2… NO! What a maneuver! Orton kicks out and the fight goes to the floor. Both men break the count a few times but, yeah, I should have seen the count out as a possibilty. Show spears Orton and its such a big hit that Show is knocked loopy too. The referee counts out both men. Excitement thy name is Big Show!
They take the fight back in the ring. Show goes for the Knockout Punch but Randy hits him with an RKO instead. Orton is supposed to be the hero of Smackdown. Why is he beating the challenger to Raw’s main title? No he didn’t beat him with a pin but only one man looked strong at the very very end here.
Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins vs. Ryback.
Its a damn shame. Two guys that are damn good wrestlers, charismatic as hell and immensely skilled get fed to Captain Pink Eye here. Oh good he cuts a promo! I think the Pink Eye came from the stress of having to read so many big words off of a prompter. Lets look at how cool Reks and Hawkins are. Or not, damn they aren’t even getting a chance. Give Reks and Hawkins a chance! Curt and Tyler out wrestle him at every turn but its just to set up the comeback. Ryback dumps them outside and then pulls Hawkins back in for the feeding. This would all be great and impressive if Ryback were destroying talent I hated.
The Prime Time Players (with AW) vs. Epico and Primo (not with Rosa Mendes in case you missed all that news earlier).
All the controversy over the managers has totally thrown me out of this match. I wonder what will happen with Rosa, and honestly hope she’ll be alright. I think of last week when AW said some Kobe joke that upset people and I wonder what he will say this week. Good wrestling going on though. Oh not that it matters. Titus and Darren try to leave but Kofi Kingston and R-Truth come out to stop their paths. The Prime Time Players end up back in the ring and Darren Young gets pinned. While Epico and Primo celebrate Michael Cole says that the tag team division is heating up. You know what would really help it to heat up? If the champions defended their titles. You know, give the guys something to actually fight for.
Damien Sandow cuts a promo. Pretty good promo. Lets see where this goes in the next segment.
Brodus Clay (with the thanks to you I can drive in the carpool lane dancers) vs. Damien Sandow.
Alright, that’s it. I must be a Damien Sandow fan. While I think the whole Brodus Clay gimmick is fun and silly, I really want Sandow to win. Speaking of dancing, here comes Damien! Sandow attacks Brodus as he dances his way out. Sandown attacks the knee and looks like, arguably, the number one heel in WWE right now. Are there any synonyms for a ladder? Like the one of success. Because Damien Sandow is going to need them . Brodus is done, the dancers are in fear and Damien goes up to the ramp to yell out, “you’re welcome!” This is a natural and fantastic heel.
AJ and Daniel Bryan have a meeting. Daniel wants to beat Cena and get into SummerSlam. AJ informs Daniel that he’ll be facing Kane at the summer classic. AJ and D-Bryan have a Yes/No off and I know some people hate it but I still love this goofiness.
Kelly Kelly vs. Eve.
Kelly returns to the WWE and all Cole says is “its been months since we’ve seen Kelly Kelly in action on Raw”. Now I know he meant that because Kelly kinda sorta but not really left WWE to concentrate on other projects. But lets remember the Divas who are at each and every Raw and yet have not appeared in the ring in months on Raw. Natalya, Layla, Beth, Aksana, Kaitlyn, and I’m sure the list goes on. But its ok! Those great mat wrestlers, trained in the submission was of the great hookers are here to earn five stars.
This is not a good match. Kelly flies for a cross body. By “fly” I mean fly in the same way that a fat brain dead flying squirrel that was pushed off of a cliff “flies”. Kelly executes a Victory Roll to get a pin. “Her first time in two months we’ve seen her in action on Raw.” Hell I think we could say that about Zack Ryder too most weeks.
Lets take a trip down memory lane. Way back to when Sheamus stole Del Rio’s car.
San Antonio’s own is in the house and ready to get his ego sucked. Shawn Michaels comes out to a huge ovation. “I cant be running down there every two years.” You were just on two weeks ago! Just. On. Even in mentioning that he was just here two weeks ago its like Shawn is trying to say he wasn’t here two weeks ago. Very very strange. I guess no one wants to hear him because here comes Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. Paul hypes up Brock as only he can. Shawn says that Triple H is a monster now that someone brought up his kids. Heyman didn’t even say anything negative about them! He just said oh your kids are going to grow up and be influenced by you. Oh no! You mean kids may be influenced by adults?! How dare you say such a thing. I’m gonna kick your ass! Shawn is going to be in Hunter’s corner for SummerSlam. Brock threatens Shawn and that finally brings out Triple H. Oh he’s still in casual gear too. Is the guy continuously forgetting to pack a suit? Do you remember your current job title Hunter? Its a stand off and Brock is first to back away. He promises to see Shawn before SummerSlam. Oh, ass kickings are nigh!
Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler (MITB with Vickie Guerrero) Chris Jericho joins for commentary.
Its a match between Jericho’s words and Dolph trying to, yeah, show off. No one cares about Alex Riley in this match. No one is taking him seriously at all anymore. Jericho even calls him Alex Wright, Das Wunderkind and no one corrects him. That’s how much they care. Jericho is great on the mic. Maybe because he is now a face and its so refreshing to hear him like this again. Jericho gets so bored he decided to record the match and Tout the video. This distracts Dolph enough for A-Ry to sneak up and roll up Dolph for the pin! Alex Riley is now trending. Chris Jericho is still recording. This is more than 15 seconds Chris! I smell shenanigans with your Touts!
Sheamus sends a Tout from Del Rio’s car. This one is also right on that 15 second limit.
Kane vs. The Miz (IC Champ).
The problem with a three hour Raw is that by this point I’m starting to become jaded. The matches aren’t mattering, I’m seeing the same stuff too much and a lot of it is predictable. For example. Kane is big, so he should beat Miz. No. No he shouldn’t. Miz is the Intercontinental champion. Unless Kane is about to be the number one contender for that title he should not be pinning the Miz. Ugh, I just cant watch any more of this. Kane wins.
Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena.
Alright hopefully this match shows me something. Either man could win or lose and have it make sense in the larger story. Bryan is amazing against anyone. Cena tries but it really depends on his opponent. Daniel could most definitely carry him to a great match.
Daniel Bryan is controlling way too much of this match. He’s hitting dives and kicks and holds and taking apart Cena. This cant last long. Bryan is really taking Cena to the limit. Cena’s first comeback begins and is stopped short in the corner. Daniel never stops. He knows where he is, he knows which holds to apply, he knows how to make something like this look very 21st century and new.
Its upsetting. Bryan should be doing better but Cena finally gets into his five moves of doom. Its all over for Bryan and there are many of us that just want a quick merciful end to this. Cena gets him up for an Attitude Adjustment but Bryan flips out of it and gets Cena in a headlock. Its submission time and Cena barely gets out of it. Daniel takes the weakened Cena and tries many ways to defeat him. Nothing is quite good enough to work. Bryan climbs the ropes and hits a diving headbutt (careful there) across most of the ring.
Bryan goes for one kick too many and Cena takes that boot and turns it over for an STF. Damn shame. Wait what the hell? Bryan pops out and locks on his own. Cena powers out, and finally hits that AA. Oh there’s a shame. John Cena gets the pin but Daniel Bryan must have earned some more respect from everyone.
Speaking of respect, here comes CM Punk. Punk holds up the belt and they stare at each other. Cena pushes him away and suddenly there’s the Big Show. Show and Cena fight. Cena picks up Show for an AA but Punk runs up and hits Show, which knocks Show and Cena over. Punk cuts a promo and says Raw will now end the same way it has been, with him standing as the WWE champion.
Looks like CM Punk spoke too soon. He gets in the ring and goes after Show, but gets a knockout punch for his troubles. One more punch for Cena. Raw ends with not Punk, but the Big Show holding the title.
Well Show looks better here than in his actual match. Lets hope this is the Big Show that will arrive for SummerSlam.