The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review of the 2013 WWE Royal Rumble.

RicardoShades

 

We got three hours of wrestling action to get through before I fall asleep.  Lets get right into this!  Its time for Smarked for Death!

WWE is starting things off big too.  The World title is up first!

The Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio (World Champion, with Ricardo Rodriguez) in a Last Man Standing match.

Big Show comes out.  Del Rio is headed to the ring and gets a pep talk… from Bret Hart!  Hopefully the first of many cameos tonight.  Side note, I almost wrote cameros.  There’s a joke in there somewhere. Bret Hart gives Ricardo his Hitman glasses!  That was the most adorable thing I’ve seen in years.

Your announcers tonight are JBL, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

You have got to be shitting me.  The fans introduce Del Rio with Ricardo.  I don’t think I have ever seen someone switch sides and then receive such an immediate reaction.  It is entirely possible this will go down as the biggest face turn of all time.  Certainly the biggest of recent memory.

Big Show hits some echoing chops on Del Rio to start off the match.  Del Rio tries to be faster, to stick and move, but the Giant still chops him down.  Big Show tries to get some running momentum going but Del Rio kicks out the knees and this match may be on even footing.  Or lack of footing as the case may be.

Del Rio takes Big Show down with a hurracanrana and a seated senton.  Not too shabby.  Michael Cole points out that Del Rio will now introduce some of the Lucha style in his matches.  Which brings up the point, why the fuck wasn’t he already doing that?  Hmm, there is a style of wrestling that people love and is very over, and this guy we’re trying to push into the main event is capable of it.  Why in the hell wouldn’t you do it?!

Show gets knocked down by a Big Show punch.  Not the knockout one.  More of a love tap.  Del Rio rolls to the outside and it counts as standing up.  Show comes to the outside to continue the beatings.  Big Show brings a chair into the ring and his journey for furniture took way too long.  Del Rio catches him with a dropkick and then steals the chair to his own benefit.  Del Rio gets carried away with the chair and comes off the top with it.  Right into Show’s massive hands.  One choke slam later and Alberto barely gets up at the 9 count.

The fight continues to the floor once again.  Big Show slams Alberto on the floor and the champion breaks the count just after the 9 once again.  Del Rio hits a soccer kick to the giant nuts and follows it up with a kick to the head.  Anyone would stay down for many minutes after that.  Big Show gets up after 9. The fight moves closer and closer to the entrance.  Something is going to get broke.

Del Rio pulls himself up by the lights on the entrance.  Show rips one off and slaps it across Alberto’s back.  It does not break.  Ask Dean Ambrose how to break some light bulbs.  Big Show drags a table over to see if that breaks any easier.  Show climbs the fucking lights!  He reaches down and pulls Del Rio up with one arm.  This is maybe Big Show’s most dramatic moment.  Show grabs Del Rio for a choke slam and tosses him like yesterday’s tissues.  There is just not a chance in hell Del Rio gets up from that.

Holy crap he rolls over at 8 and pushes up to both feet at 9.  I am officially stunned.  That was a horrible fall and yet he still gets up.  Big Show climbs down and starts leading Del Rio back to the ring.  Once Del Rio stands up in the ring Show gets ready to knock him back down with a punch but Alberto slips out of the ring to safety.

Big Show grabs the steel steps and begins to stalk.  Del Rio gets out of the way of the tossed steps.  Ricardo tries to save his buddy but Big Show swats him into the ring wall.  Speaking of into the ring wall, Big Show tries to tackle Alberto but the champion moves at the last moment.  Show crashes through the wall and barely gets up in time.

Del Rio grabs one of the chairs from behind the wall that Big Show destroyed and cracks it across the Giant’s back repeatedly.  The previously thrown steel steps come back into play.  Del Rio makes a steel chair and steel steps sandwich with Big Show’s arm for the meat.  Hell, why not garnish it with a fire extinguisher?

This is a hell of a match.  The fans are chanting “This is Awesome” for Del Rio vs. Big Show at the beginning of one of the year’s major PPVs.  We’re in for a hell of a night.

Del Rio locks on the cross arm breaker.  Big Show tries to break the hold by putting his feet on the ropes.  Doesn’t matter in a match like this.  Ricardo takes duct tape and wraps Big Show’s feet around the ring ropes.  Its all legal!  Sure, we’ve seen this trick before but its still a fun one.  Big Show’s arm is useless and his legs are trapped.  He can do nothing but watch as the referee counts to ten.

Alberto Del Rio retains!

Matt Striker interviews Dolph Ziggler, with Big E Langston and AJ Lee.   Dolph says there is no difference between #1 and #2 so he will enter the Rumble first.  I don’t think he’ll win but I do think he’ll have one hell of  a showing tonight.  Big E scares off Striker and then what the hell is this?  Langston has one hell of  a sense of humor.  This guy may just be a future star.

Antonio Cesaro cuts a promo that he will win tonight.  Prime Time Players are also confident in their abilities.  Randy Orton tries to stay relevant.  John Cena gets all the smarks to roll their eyes.  Wade Barrett plans to barrage his way through.  Sheamus wants to repeat last year’s accomplishments. Ryback plans to feed on 29 courses tonight.

Team Rhodes Scholars vs. Team Hell No (WWE Tag Team Champions).

For some reason I feel like this match will be much quicker than anticipated.  Kane and Daniel Bryan defeated these two in singles matches so quickly so why not do the same as a team?

Cody leap frogs Daniel but he catches Rhodes’s leg and turns it into a surfboard.  Well that was seamless and also painful looking.  Quick tag into Kane and we got a tag match going on.   Sandow and Bryan both get tags and everyone’s gotten some ring time now.  Kane and Daniel have had more tags than the challengers.  Rhodes Scholars get tossed to the outside and Bryan topes between the ropes to take out both geniuses.

Daniel bounces off the ropes but Cody pulls down one down and Bryan falls to the outside.  Time for the heels to be heels.  They cut off the ring and beat the snot out of Daniel for awhile.  Kane will eventually get the hot tag, so lets skip ahead to that.

Yeah, there’s the elbow of disdain!  Sandow is getting aggressive tonight.  At least the Rhodes Scholars realize the importance of tonight.  This is their best match in weeks.

Kane gets the hot tag in but Rhodes Scholars prove to be too much for him.  Too fast, too effective.  Plus Damien hits a shitty neck breaker, but its keeping the big guy down.  Daniel gets a blind tag and climbs to the top while Sandow tries to pin the no longer legal Kane.  Team Hell No take full advantage of the confusion.  Kane tosses Cody out of the ring.  Daniel spins Damien into the No Lock and that’s all it takes for Team Hell No to retain.

You know, I should have guessed this one because Team Hell No entered to Kane’s music.  Of course they were going to exit to Daniel Bryan’s music after he got the win.

Elimination Chamber commercial.  I predict a World title change there.

Royal Rumble numbers video.

Vickie Guerrero gives Team Hell No their Royal Rumble numbers.  They do not seem happy.  Somehow this becomes a penis joke.  I was really expecting a Ron Simmons appearance there.

Footage from the Royal Rumble fan fest, including the NXT tournament!  Well that’s a great way to explain to the fans what’s going on.  Lets go Bo Dallas!

Whoa whoa whoa.  Did Ted DiBiase just show up?  That’s how big Be a Star is, it even gets Ted on PPV!

The Royal Rumble!

Yeah, Rock’s winning the WWE title tonight.  That’s how this show is going off air, with him holding the belt high.

Anyways, sounds like 30 Superstars and a new one every 90 seconds.  Lets get some people out here!

 

TeamThumbSuckers

 

(Sometimes you just need to suck your thumb.)

#1  Dolph Ziggler (with AJ Lee and Big E Langston).  Will Dolph’s entourage be allowed to stay at ringside?  Eh, looks like they’re not going to bother.  Also, I think #2 is going to be Dolph’s erection after that make out session with AJ.

Dolph says he’ll go first to last and he is ready for #2.

#2 is… holy shit really?!  Chris Jericho!

Well, I’m writing this post late at night and I was already thinking maybe I’ll go to bed and watch this all tomorrow morning.  Jericho just gave me a shot of adrenaline.

Crazy.  He wrestled last year, didn’t win a major match nor a title, disappeared, and gets the conquering hero pop upon his return.  Maybe Jericho has this all figured out.  Show up, wrestle a couple times, leave, come back as an even bigger legend.

Great continuity!  Jericho left after Dolph beat him for his contract way back in August.  I had forgotten, and usually WWE does as well.

Did Chris get a tattoo on his arm?

Jericho and Dolph both go over the top but both men land on the apron.  The fans chant “you still got it” at Jericho.  Didn’t they chant this at Jericho’s opponents just a couple WrestleManias ago?

#3 is Cody Rhodes.

Cody goes after Jericho and we have three guys in the ring.  Chris teases and then locks on the Walls of Jericho.  Huge cheer from the crowd.  This crowd is elevating tonight’s show into something special.  Well done Phoenix.

#4 is Kofi Kingston.

The star of the Rumble.  Dramatic near eliminations.  Lets see what he has for us this year.  Kofi misses Trouble in Paradise.  He catches himself by the neck before one elimination.  Everyone almost gets tossed out.  Kofi and Dolph pair off, and that feud continues.  Cody and Jericho jockey for position.  Cody tries to toss out Dolph and Kofi.

#5 is Santino Marella.

I thought Santino was injured.  Marella comes out and goes after everyone, but not with enough power to actually toss anyone out.  Very half ass work.  Everyone gets pissed off though and gangs up on Santino.  He pulls out the Cobra, #5 and a half?, but even with the assist he’s out numbered.  Santino is eliminated.  I think it was by Jericho.

Four men in the ring.

#6 is Drew McIntyre.

Drew goes right after Dolph, then Cody.  I love that there are no heels or faces in the Rumble.  Drew and Kofi lock up and damn you forget how big Drew is.  That is one high lander.  Jericho is tossed out but both feet don’t touch.  Thanks to DDP Yoga he kept his core up.

#7 is Titus O’Neil.

#Washrags makes a return.  Titus is a big dude.  He may be the Rumble’s best secret.  Huge amounts of strength and he is just manhandling people.  Jericho eliminates Drew.  Dolph makes his return to the ring apron.  This is going to be the biggest story of the Rumble.

#8 is… you gotta be shitting me!  Goldust!

Cody stares in disbelief.  Oh I cant wait for this.  Team Goldie sign in the crowd!  Cody clears the ring so he can have first crack at his brother.  Cody does the drop down punch to Dolph, shades of his brother!  Wow what an instant classic moment.  All the rumors of who would appear tonight and we get two huge returns that no one predicted.

#9 is David Otunga.

We haven’t seen David in awhile.  Its his third Rumble match?  You gotta be kidding me.  Doesn’t seem like he’s been around that long.  Goldust and Cody team up on Titus!  Titus is half way out when Cody turns on his brother and tries for a double elimination.  Neither man is out.

#10 is Heath Slater.

Drew is already out so no help for Heath.  Heath goes right after Goldust and then beats down his former Nexus running mate, Otunga.  Jericho tosses Dolph over and onto the apron yet again.  Lot of great stories in this match.

I love that “My Ziggy” is getting over tonight.  In fact, its getting over more than Wildcat Kofi Kingston.

#11 is Sheamus.

Oh the ring is about to clear out.  I say four guys are out in a minute.  Sheamus knocks everyone down, but not out.

Titus is out first, nope he gets caught for a clubbering.  Sheamus uses Otunga to eliminate Titus.  One more clubbering on David.  Otunga is now out.  Sheamus has revealed himself as a threat and now people gang up on him.

#12 is Tensai.

Well this is either get knocked out fast or give him some wins to redeem his career.  Tensai’s 6th Rumble.  Tensai and Sheamus go right at it.  Well, he hasn’t done anything but at least he’s being treated as a threat.  Multiple men gang up on Tensai but he’s still in it.  Lots of guys still in it.  Dolph is barely hanging on.  Heath Slater is still alive.

#13 is Brodus Clay.

New outfits for the Funkadactyls.  Actually the best they have looked.  I wish I saw more of them for once.

Brodus knocks down Jericho first.  Tensai and Clay square off next.  Cody mocks his brother some more and I want to see much more from these two.  Goldust and Cody battle on the apron.  Goldust clotheslines Cody back in the ring.  Cody rams his brother into the ringpsot for the elimination.

#14 is Rey Mysterio.

Rey looks like his new gear is inspired by a sexy firefighters calendar.  He hits 619s all over the ring.  Off the top rope for a splash and he pops up looking to already be injured.  Cody attacks Rey, revisiting their great feud.  Seriously, Rey already looks fucked.

Michael Cole calls Tensai a moose.  That gimmick might get over better.

#15 is Darren Young.

Titus is already out so I’m not expecting much here.  Darren dives in and helps other guys eliminate Brodus Clay.  Kofi eliminates Tensai.  Ziggler eliminates Kofi.  But no!  Kofi lands on Tensai and gets a piggy back ride.  Kofi has not touched the floor.  He is dumped on the announce table but has still not touched.  Kofi is going to try to jump from the table to the apron and the other wrestlers even stop to see if he can pull this off.

#16 is Bo Dallas.

Kofi takes JBL’s chair.  Its got wheels!  Kofi scoots across the floor in the chair and gets himself back to the ring.  Kofi is now back in the match!

Bo seems to be doing well, but we don’t see him.  Kofi eliminates Darren.  Cody kicks Kofi out.  After all that work!

#17 is… you have to be kidding!  The Godfather!

How can the Godfather exist in PG WWE?  JBL calls the formerly known as Ho’s the rat pack.  Alright, now I want an all female group called the Ring Rat Pack.  Godfather dances his way in and Dolph immediately kicks him out of the ring.  Too funny.  I wonder if that beats Santino’s record.

Chris Jericho gassed up the car and is taking Bo Dallas to school.

#18 is Wade Barrett.

I predict one person to be taken out by Wade right now.  Jericho and Wade team up to try to take out Sheamus.  Rey continues to look weak.  Really, someone send me an injury report.

#19 is John Cena.

Super Cena is here.  Did JBL just say no one is on their feet?  Everyone stops and lines up as a wall to take out Cena.  Dog pile on Super Cena!  How many are in the ring rihgt now?  That’s how many are about to go out.  Heath Slater is out.  Cody Rhodes is out.  Chris Jericho is about to go out and Ziggler saves him.  Bo Dallas tries to make a name for himself and goes after Cena.  Nicely done kid.

#20 is Damien Sandow.

Well Cody is out now so no double teaming going on here.  Cena ended up in the former world champion corner.  Damien goes after Bo.  Rey almost takes out Wade but both men hang on.  Wade gets back in the ring first and kicks Rey off for the elimination.  For some reason this angers Sheamus and he goes after Wade.  Jericho tries to lock on the Walls of Jericho.  No good reason for that really.

#21 is Daniel Bryan.

Well what was so bad about being #21 Daniel?  Perfectly good number.  Daniel goes after Ziggler, then Wade.  Kicks all around.  If people could be eliminated solely on kicks Bryan would have this.  Jericho and Cena hang on for dear life.

#22 is Antonio Cesaro.

With this guy’s push I think he eliminates someone.  Right after Daniel Bryan and now I really want to see that feud.  Cesaro and Sheamus square off.  Fans have deafening dueling Cena chants going on.  There are other people in the ring you know!

#23 is The Great Khali.

Ah shit.  And Beth Phoenix is no longer with the company to eliminate him.  This is his 7th Rumble?  That seems excessive for someone of his limitations.

#24 is Kane.

Well Khali hasn’t done shit since coming out.   Time for Kane to clean house.  Dolph hangs on for dear life once again.  Kane and Daniel Bryan team up for a moment but Khali fights them off.

#25 is Zack Ryder.

The kid still gets a huge pop.  Kane just knocks out Khali.  While he appreciates his work Daniel Bryan eliminates Kane.  Antonio knocks Daniel onto Kane.  Bryan has not touched the floor.  Kane lets him drop to assist with the elimination.  Damn funny spot.

Only five more guys and there were at least five guys “confirmed” to return tonight.  So obviously that’s not happening.

#26 is Randy Orton.

Randy says he needs to win tonight.  Orton needs to win something.  Anything.  A beauty contest.  Orton hits a double DDT on Bo and Dolph.  Zack eats an RKO and then gets tossed out.  Antonio and Wade team up on Orton.

#27 is Jinder Mahal.

Well this wont last long.  Also, we wont have a new winner at lucky number 27.  John Cena dumps Antonio out of the ring.  Ziggler has saved himself from elimination twice more.

#28 is The Miz.

The Miz and Antonio brawl in the aisle.  Michael Cole announces that the Miz has an injured ankle thanks to the match earlier in the night.  SO don’t expect him to win I guess.  Sheamus eliminates Jinder.  3MB is now completely out of the Rumble.

#29 is Sin Cara.

Sin Cara is back from knee injury.  No Rey in the ring.  Hopefully this means we get Sin Cara vs Rey at ‘Mania though.  One slot left.  Sin Cara kicks a few people but no eliminations.  Everyone is barely hanging on.  Bo Dallas eliminates Wade Barrett?!  That is huge.  Bo gets an Intercontinental title show tomorrow on Raw.  Or at least he should.  Miz and Jericho go at it.  That’s a battle I’d like to see again.  Wade Barrett comes running back and pulls Bo Dallas out of the ring.  He knocks him out with the Bull hammer for fun too.

#30 is Ryback.

Oh this will be interesting.  Will someone be made tonight?  Lets see.  Short shoves for everyone.  Ryback eliminates Damien.  Sin Cara comes in with kicks, tires a flip that Ryback stuffs.  Sin Cara is press slammed out of the ring and onto Sandow.  Miz is tossed out.  That wont help his injury at all.  Jericho hits a Code Breaker on Ryback.  Lionsault on Cena.  Code Breaker on Ziggler.  Jericho makes a great showing after around 50 minutes in the match.  Ziggler hits a dropkick and Jericho is eliminated.  Great showing.

Down to 5 men.

Orton starts hitting RKOs on everyone.  He turns to Ryback and hits the rope DDT on the beast.  Randy goes for an RKO on Ryback but gets pushed off and knocked out.  Down to four.

Sheamus almost eliminates Dolph but he hangs on again.  Sheamus doubles back for a Brogue Kick and Dolph’s night is over.  Well done Dolph.  Great showing.

Down to three.  Sheamus, Ryback, John Cena.

Sheamus and Cena gang up on Ryback.  That’s a huge credit to Ryback that he is seen as such a threat they need to team up.  Sheamus and Cena go balls out on each other.  Punch after kick after slam.  Cena goes for You Cant See Me but runs into Ryback’s Meathook clothesline instead.  Sheamus fights out of Shell Shock.  Ryback eats White Noise.

Sheamus gets a running start for the Brogue Kick but Ryback catches his leg, picks up the Irishman and dumps him over the top.

Its down to Ryback and John Cena.

I haven’t heard a single Goldberg chant tonight.  Ryback is over.  Ryback goes for the Meathook but Cena avoids it and locks on the STF?  Cole sells it as John is trying to knock out Ryback and then deadlift him over the top and to the floor.  Sure, its easy to pick up his near 300 pounds.  Actually Cena does do it.  He’s got Ryback up on the turnbuckle.  Ryback wakes up and hits a Thesz Press to escape.  Cena sneaks behind Ryback and knocks him out of the ring.

John Cena wins the Royal Rumble.

Well, the vast majority of us saw that one coming.  Even if we predicted someone else, we still expected Cena to win it.  Seems even more likely now that the Rock will win.

“John gets to choose what title he will battle for.”  I will laugh my fool head off in disbelief is he goes after the World title.

The Rock cuts a backstage promo. I will be honest, I took a bathroom break.  I didn’t need to hear it.

435 days as champion.

CM Punk (WWE Champion, with Paul Heyman) vs. The Rock.

Rock and Punk go at it full force.  All the punches and shots they can get in within the shortest time.  The fight goes to the outside and  everything comes into play.  The barricade.  The Spanish Announce Table is almost used until Punk stops it.   Not only does he stop it, he fixes it as well!  Such a tiny spot but brilliant.

Yeah Michael Cole, where the hell is The Shield?

Paul Heyman gets in a cheap shot on the Rock.  Its enough to distract him and Punk takes advantage.  The fight continues on the outside.  Punk fixes the SAT again.  Something is going to happen with that table tonight.

The dueling chants begin.  Punk tries to keep Rock down but the Rock fights back up.  Punk works over the midsection, trying to capitalize on whatever internal injuries The Shield caused on Raw.

Punk locks on what looks like a lesser variation of the Anaconda Vice.  Rock gets his knees up to the back of Punk’s head and fights out.  Every time Rock fights out Punk knocks him back down.

The Rock gets slingshot across the top rope.  This is a great story for the match.  Every attack focuses on the torso and its working.  Just that little bit of blood that Rock coughed up on Raw was enough to sell this beating.  Heyman gets in another shot.  Who will get destroyed first?  Heyman or the SAT?

Punk tweaks his knee off camera.  He comes off the top to drop an elbow on Rock and bangs up the knee some more.  The story of this match just got bigger.  Rock notices it and kicks at the knee.  Whose body will quit first?

Rock is on the outside taking a breather.  No matter how bad Punk’s knee is its not bad enough to halt him from a tope.  Rock gets knocked on his ass yet again.

Punk gingerly crawls back into the ring and up the ropes.  He goes for a flying clothesline but the Rock side steps it.  Rock attacks the knee and this will be quite bad for the champion.

Punk fights out of a Rock Bottom attempt.  He gets Rock up for a GTS but Rock catches his knee on the way down.  They scramble to the mat and Punk goes for the Anaconda Vice.  Rock rolls with the move and gets Punk down for a two count.  DDT and both men are down.  Hell of a match so far.

Rock Bottom attempt but Punk floats up and takes down Rock for a crucifix pin.  Rock pops up and takes Punk down with a Sharp Shooter.  Punk’s knee is in agony but he fights his way to a rope break.  Punk rolls out of the ring for a much needed breather.  Rock follows and knocks Punk down with a clothesline right in front of the SAT.  Yup, here it comes.

Rock beats Punk down onto the SAT.  Punk answers with a kick that knocks Rocky loopy.  Punk wants to hit the GTS.  Rock goes for the Rock Bottom.  The SAT collapses!  Rock clutches his knee and Punk is out too.  None of this looks good.  Rock rolls in to break the referee’s count, then calls the audible and hits the Rock Bottom on the floor now that the SAT is out of commission.

Rock rolls Punk into the ring but only gets a two count for that Rock Bottom.  Rock picks Punk up for something else, a little too casually.  Punk answers with a head kick out of no where.  Both men get up just in time and I’m starting to worry we’re going to get a bullshit no contest or double count out or something here.

Punk and Rock exchange punches until Rock finally gets enough of an advantage to pull off his trademark People’s Elbow.  Right before he hits it all of the lights go out!

Michael Cole says there is someone by the announce table.  They say someone is attacking the Rock.  Cole says that the Shield has attacked the Rock but no one saw them.  The referee is limping as well, and everyone wonders if he got knocked down too.  CM Punk comes to with a smile and plays up like he has no idea what happened.  Punk limps towards the Rock and drags him back into the ring.  Punk takes forever to push the Rock back into the ring.  He locks both legs and holy crap he actually gets the pin!

CM Punk retains the title against the Rock!

Oh the fans are pissed.  All of Rocky’s marks hate every bit of this.  Punk kicks Rock while he’s down and kicks him out of the ring.  CM Punk and Paul Heyman celebrate.

Aw crap.

Mr. McMahon comes out.  Vince says if The Shield interfered CM Punk would be stripped of the title.  McMahon says just because we couldn’t see the Shield doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.  He is about to strip Punk of the title when the Rock gets on the mic.  Rock demands that the match is restarted.

Well, he’s going to earn it at least.

Vince agrees and the match is restarted.

Rock drags himself into the ring and CM Punk is on him right away.  He beats Rock down into the corner and readies the running knee.  He hits it, and knocks Rocky down to the middle of the ring.  Macho Man elbow coming up.  It connects as well.  Somehow Rock kicks out at two.

CM Punk calls for the GTS.  Rock kicks and fights out of it and comes back with a spine buster and the People’s Elbow.  He beats Punk with that?!  At least hit a Rock Bottom too.   Punk’s long title reign comes to an end with an Elbow?  Horseshit!

 

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