Historectomy 32 Five Dead Wrestlers You DON’T Know About.

 

A funny story about Andre the Giant from Bad News Allen in an interview before Allen’s death:

 

 

Sam Weller takes over his first show to cover five dead wrestlers you don’t know about. Oh sure, we could’ve covered the Macho Man’s, Kurt Henning’s, and May Young’s of the world, but instead we’re highlighting some brave men that need a fair shake at the spotlight…even if it’s posthumously. Ring the bell!

Also in this episode: We call out Marc “WTF” Maron on our show after a successful feud with Ira Glass of “This American Life” fame, how can YOU die of suspected homicide and suicide, Christian is on very personal terms with Dan “The Beast Severn…listen for more!, how to bravely refuse medical attention, Brusier Brody ripped himself from his mother’s womb, Hamlet and Professional Wrestling have more in common than you think, what England’s Coldstream Guard like to do in the morning, what was Hitler’s finishing move?, never refuse a kiss from Bad News Allen, Christian can never find Judo when he wants it, and Vince McMahon is Ra’s Al Ghul! SMOKE THIS!!!

 

Check out more episodes  http://timtime.podbean.com/

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Down The Well: “Otunga’s Body Oil” 4/9/2012

 

What a sticky Monday Night RAW!

In between David Otunga’s body oil, Chris Jericho’s beer bath, and John Cena’s bloody mouth it was a carnival of liquids out there tonight. Make sure someone draws a sample from the mat tonight; we could have a new form of life on our hands!

Full disclosure, I also only watched about the last half of RAW. The rest of the info is from re-caps. So I missed the biggest event of the evening which was of course:

The Three Stooges are here!

…no, numbskull…

JOHN CENA GETS BASHED IN THE FACE PART II

So, Brock buddies up to “Big Johnny” John Laurinaitis and gets the endorsement from the company. He’s not about stupid things like “catch phrases” or “earning a title shot” he’s about “legitimacy”. His UFC career is mentioned by Michael Cole and I swear a vein just burst in my head because it sounded like the WWE is finally recognizing their biggest competitor.

Cena comes out and seems to have objections to once again being overlooked as The Man in the WWE. He challenges Brock to a gentlemanly slap off which Brock then responds by BREAKING CENA’S FACE. Wow. I hope they “planned” that cause I would hate to be in the ring with Lesnar being so sloppy.

A “Sloppy Brock Lesnar” sounds like a sexual maneuver.

I was happy to hear the locker room cleared out to contain these two guys to push how big this angle is. In my mind, I’m still a little hung over from Wrestlemania. Lesnar coming back is a huge boost for the WWE, but I just feel like ramifications from Cena’s loss have gone unresolved. Perhaps that’s what WWE wants us to forget right now. They’re forcing us to accept this new feud before we start thinking too hard.

Cause when the audience actually thinks about something we get YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.

Funkasaurus wrestled longer than he has yet on television. I still hope this guy does well, but hearing about his participation with Santino against Ziggler/Swagger just makes me realize how he needs an equally large character to fight. Unless they plan on feuding him with the NEW “Beast from the East” Lord Tensai. Oohhh, speaking of whom…

The Tensai/Yoshi Tatsu squash match articulates the WWE’s racist agenda. Actual Japanese wrestler cannot beat huge white guy who learned how to wrestle from the Japanese? Shame and dishonor on you WWE.

Yes, there was a Cody Rhodes/R-Truth match. Big Show came out for the distraction, and Cody got pinned. Way to BE A STAR Show. Just because you got picked on doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to do it. Didn’t you watch any “Davey and Goliath” when you were a kid? Also, this felt like an exact repeat of last week.

The CM Punk/Chris Jericho storyline to me has hit a roadbump this week as we return to the well (pun intended) with another attack on Punk by Mark “My knees are okay can I please have the title again” Henry, and Jericho then delivering a beer bath to a prone CM Punk. They literally repeated every beat from the last month of this feud and to me they’re coasting. Punk has to either loose the title next week to get me to pay attention, or Jericho has to find another angle to torture Punk with.

Getting “Stooged” sounds like a sexual maneuver.

I actually liked Lesnar’s speech. He’s a destroyer. But will it be “War Machine” that makes his new t-shirt or “I’m Not Here to Make Friends” the standby for ALL Reality TV? Why is it guys with the initials B.L. have the tiniest little voices? Bobby Lashley, care to comment?

“no.”

David Otunga used his time well in his match against John Cena…by posing every time he got an advantage. Bonus points for Cena selling Otunga’s body oil. Please have that be a gimmick where “opponents can’t touch him in the ring  Cena hits him with the STF for a well needed win. Brock comes out yet again to deliver a huge F5. What a bully! Man, can John Cena not catch a break at all?

WE’VE HIT BOTTOM:

I want to see John Cena get REALLY aggressive from here on out. No jokes, no jaw work, no laughing, no shrugging it off. If he doesn’t get his act together he’ll get his ass kicked. Just like he did this week. But decent build of Lesnar/Cena overall.

Also, Jericho needs some new development in his feud (hit Punk’s dog with a car maybe?)

And what’s in the bucket? A 7/10!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

Follow me on Twitter @cravesam and I promise I’ll follow you back. For realises.

The Toy Nobody Wanted: John Cena V Brock Lesnar.

I feel sorry for John Cena.

Not that he needs my sympathy, the man’s a millionaire that sells a ton of merchandise, appeals to a large grip of the WWE’s audience, and has been “the man” for the past 10 years. After all this time, shouldn’t people like him?

Some did. But most don’t. And they’re vocal. The People are vocal.

And I kinda like John Cena. Enough that I lost my Ric Flair action figure and Wrestlemania XXVI t-shirt for a week over Cena losing to The Rock. Damn you Christian! Co-host of my podcast, Historectomy, that you can find every week at craveonline.com/comedy! And yet, I still like John Cena. But he is the toy nobody wants right now. They all want the new toy.

The People have decided. Exit The Rock, enter Brock Lesnar.

(Ignore the “Sexy Back” song. Or acknowledge it fully. I don’t care. You’re the consumer. So choose!)

Now here is a guy that Vince McMahon creamed himself for years ago! He was supposed to be “The Next Big Thing”. Back in 2003, it was Lesnar and Cena that were facing off as Cena got established in the company. Lesnar had awesome matches with Kurt Angle, broke the ring with The Big Show, and Paul Heyman was still around! Things were better with Lesnar! But Lesnar wanted to play foot-balls, so he left. Failing the NFL he went to the UFC. Did pretty well, but then he got sick. So now, Lesnar, the man who drove WWE’s name through the mud when he left is now facing the ultimate company man in John Cena.

This could be very interesting…IF Cena was a different character.

They BLEW an opportunity to have Cena revamp and change his approach. He could still be the patron saint of young WWE fans everywhere but to return to the same stasis (I’m getting Theatre Major on this review’s ass now) is completely idiotic. This past Monday was a travesty of “being a man” and “owning up” to his loss when they could’ve had him conflicted for once over the right thing to do!

They could’ve had The Hulk (the green one not the orange one) and Bruce Banner fighting over their humanity and instead we have Captain America. John Cena was the man who could squash three men in a single match. Imagine him taking out his frustrations on the rest of the roster over losing to The Rock! Instead we have the stalwart patriot of the WWE, never compromising on his moral duty to “rise above the hate”.

They got him a new t-shirt, why didn’t they get him a new character?

Kids like The Hulk. They’d accept a moral quagmire by one of their great heroes! Instead, we have Cena, unresolved in his transition from BREAKING HIS PROMISE OVER 10 YEARS to getting F5′ed by Brock “Check out my sh*tty knife tat” Lesnar in the middle of the ring at the end of RAW.

Brock Lesnar is everything that John Cena wishes he could be right now. Powerful. Dominant. Popular. Cena claimed to have wrestled actively longer than The Rock? Well Lesnar wrestled for half as long as Cena and made twice the impact so what does that say about Cena? Brock Lesnar is twice the wrestler with less of the baggage because he’s “new”. People will react to him powerfully because his presence (though marred by his final match with Goldberg at Wrestlemania) will elicit a powerful response.

I like John Cena. But he’s my Woody (Freudian slip?). He’s my toy that I loved back in the day, but now? Well, “Buzz” Lesnar just showed up and I think I like him better in this toy story. It’s up to Cena to “hustle” for his spot, regain my “loyalty” as a fan, and “respect” himself, for once, by beating Brock Lesnar.

By gawd King, I think we have our next main event!

Follow Sam Weller @cravesam on Twitter.

“RAW Is WELLER: 4/2/2012” aka Down the Well.

“RAW Is WELLER: 4/2/2012”

By Sam Weller

Welcome to Miami/in bi-lingual YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!

What a Monday night!

It looks like WWE is finally getting what they want. We should all thank Zack Ryder for illuminating the power of the internet for the “powers that be”. Now that Undertaker is 20-0, Rock beat Cena, and Daniel Bryan’s YES YES YES has become the new WHAT of 2012, the audience is primed to get what they want and they will be very, very vocal about it. That includes Brock Lesnar, but I’ll get to that later…

Miami might be just one corner of the WWE Universe, but this was the show after Wrestlemania, and sets the tone for the rest of year…or at least until Vince gets a funny feeling in his grapefruits and punches the lead writer in the face. The rising tide of “indy wrestlers” has become the new “WWE Superstar” and I couldn’t be happier.

Let’s see what’s down The Well:

Even though he got booed on RAW, Sheamus is now getting the mega-push he rightfully earned, and it seems Alberto Del Rio is getting a second shot at the limelight…though I hope he matures better to audience reaction and using the stick as his announcer, Ricardo Rodriguez, has.

The Rock didn’t need to coalesce with this crowd but he did. Gave props to Cena, his fans, but then…he said he had a vision…of some pie…and Kelly Kelly in nothing but knee high socks and…NONONO! Of winning the WWE Championship! Total “mark out” moment for me. Since the WWE has no problem with The Rock coming in and out like Taker they’ll be using Rock over the year again I wager. Speaking of whom… 

No mention of HHH or Taker or Shawn appearing on RAW? End of an era indeed…

Chris Jericho V CM Punk continues as they retread the well worn Jerry Lawler V Jake “The Snake” Roberts territory with “devastating booze shots”…except this time Chris is contractually obligated to mention “I drink in moderation…and never while driving” BOOOO! Commit to the gimmick!  

Zack Ryder gets pinned by The Miz? Alright, so they’re building Miz up, but to what end? Would anyone else enjoy seeing a feud between “The Reality Show Star” and “The Internet Darling”? I know I would. Tell me on Twitter @cravesam <– CHEAP PLUG

I’m excited about a Santino/Funkasaurus potential team up, why not tag them together for a bit until someone big challenges Funky?

And for those of you who don’t know who Lord Tensai is, behold:

…Notice I haven’t talked about Cena/Rock? It’s because I’ve got a whole article planned for that. Tune in later in the week Team Hellities, for more impressions deep inside The Well. We haven’t run dry yet!

WrestleMania 28 Predictions from Sam Weller!

Team Hellions is proud to present a guest post from our good friend Sam Weller.  If you like his style and humor (which BTW this is one of the funniest wrestling posts I’ve ever read) check out more from Sam at the following links.  His podcast, Historectomy, is one I listen to the moment iTunes tells me there’s a new episode.  And his Tweets go right to my phone, so I can be sure I don’t miss anything while I’m away from the computer.

Historectomy: www.craveonline.com/comedy

Twitter: www.twitter.com/cravesam

Take it away Sam!

Well guys, it’s the Mania that we’ve been promised for over a year now: Wrestlemania 28! The build to Rock V Cena has grown exponentially in excitement and I think it elevates all the other matches on this card.  I like to approach my wrestling predictions with a splash of analysis, a wee bit of humor, and a pinch of shame…so let’s not waste any more time!

SPOILERS BELOW! ;)

(All photos copyright World Wrestling Entertainment)

Kelly “Same As It Ever Was” Kelly & Mary Menudo Versus Beth “Where is Kharma?” Phoenix & Eve “Torrid” Torres

Wow, Eve’s cleavage is out of controlYOU’RE THINKING THAT WEREN’T YOU, YOU SEXIST PIG.

Let’s all be honest here. Would we like to see good women wrestling? Yes. But does WWE need to have good women wrestling? Unfortunately, no. I love watching women fight and suplex each other, but apparently that is a minority of the WWE fan base. Amazing, to think the predominantly male audience prefers watching sweaty dudes over sweaty women…you think it’d be 50/50. But it’s closer to Mad Dog 20/20. As in what I’ll be drinking while watching this match. And peeing myself. Because that’s what the audience will be doing while this match is happening: going to the bathroom.

Also, why is Menudo in here again? Why is she relevant? Why…oh forget it.

Winner: Menudo and K.K. Slider

Team Teddy ( Ryder, Santino, Kingston, R-Truth, Khali, and BOOKA T) Versus Team Johnny (Swagger, Christian (Drew McIntyre), Otunga, Henry, Ziggler, and The Miz)

Team “Mid-Card Faces” versus Team “Injured Heels” in an “Everybody Gets a Payday” Match

I’m looking forward to this match because it’ll be a technical wrestling classic with a high workrateHAHAHAH…okay, I’ll stop. I expect shenanigans. I’ve really been enjoying Otunga finally finding what works for him in the lawyer gimmick, and Santino deserves a bigger program after this because he is the Webster’s definition of “over” with the crowd. While I like seeing guys like Christian (oops, still injured!) Ziggler, Kofi, and Swagger in general, it just highlights how they ALL need something to do after this. And what better result than to have the most interesting GM win it and set up fights between all these faces and heels for the foreseeable future…

Winner: Team Johnny (with a possible Miz face turn…YEAH I SAID IT) <– Probably wrong, but I’ll do it anyway.

Randy “Can Every Move be The RKO?” Orton Versus K- “Always Over for Some Reason” -Ane

What are we booking for Orton again? Is Kane available? Of course he is. BOOK IT!

I love Randy Orton. I think he’s an underrated “wrestling” talent and I’m totally bias because he’s from my hometown. Orton has developed into a man whom you might not love him, but every match he’s in is at least “good”. And that’s where he faces his greatest opponent to that ability: Kane. I’m happy the mask is back, and he seems motivated, but there is no reason for this match to happen besides…uh…anger, I guess. ANGER!!!

Winner: Or- “Ton of Fun” -On

Cody “Sexier Than My Whole Family” Rhodes Versus Big “Surfing My Daddy’s Casket” Show

More than Rock/Cena THIS is the feud done “via satellite” or at least via video package.

Best part about this feud has been the recaps of Big Show’s underwhelming Mania record. Hilarious. I have liked Show in the past (Jerishow, Big Showster, Floyd Mayweather feud, etc.) but the build to this one is just…there. Especially considering there were rumors of having a Goldust and Cody “brother versus brother” fight. I was pleased however with Cody’s insinuation that “Big Show” would become a verb for “failure” or “s**t” during his promo this past Monday. As in, “Man, I just Big Show’ed this entry, there’s nothing funny about it!”

Winner: Big Show (Cody’s readier than ready to start challenging for the big title on Smackdown…especially considering who’s going to win it…SPOILERS!)

“The Other White Meat” Sheamus V Daniel “YES YES YES YES” Bryan w/ A. “B” J. “Please?” <– CHEAP HEAT

Bryan’s a vegan so he shouldn’t be wrestling the carb-heavy Sheamus anyway.

Will it be a squash match? Maybe. Bryan’s run as a weasily heel who would do anything to win has been well documented and caught him a lot of good heat. And playing off of A.J. like an abusive husband helps him with that. But Sheamus has a penchant for obliterating people in short order. And being a great white stereotype. Daniel’s run with the title has been good…but I think this is Sheamus’ star making performance…barring of course a Hornswoggle/Finlay run-in where they scream “YOU STOLE OUR GIMMICK” and beat him to death with a shillelagh.

Winner: “The Blinding White” Sheamus (to start a feud with Cody Rhodes soon after…)

“Mr. Ice Cream Bar” CM Punk V Chris “Light Brite” Jericho

The Internet Wrestling Community climaxes all over their ROH T-shirts as they struggle to type...! “Meh. I expected more. 4/10.“

Now THIS is the dream match that I’ve wanted to see. Chris Jericho is performance gold. Always. And CM Punk, who has been teetering dangerously (and ironically) close to HHH levels of “no selling” potential threats, finally gets shook by the one man who is on his level. I see a lot more money to happen between these two, which is why Jericho goes over. The more interesting stat to watch is how much time they get to craft a classic…

…and count on the commentary team to talk about Rock/Cena the ENTIRE time this match is going on. RRRRAAAGGGH INTERNET RAGE!!!

Winner: Chris Jericho

Triple H Versus The Undertaker w/ Shawn Micheals as Special Guest Referee

It’s the three oldest guys in the Harley Davidson club having a public falling out over a group email...and one of them refuses to take his leather chaps off.

HELL IN A CELL aka “Take it easy in there guys, just blade once and gesture a lot.”  All of these men have more than earned the crowd’s respect, but Triple H’s evolution from The Game to The Suit has been one of the more interesting angles he’s ever done. He’s like the Mike Haggar of the WWE right now. Shawn Michaels doesn’t need this match but this match needs Michaels. And Taker? God, it’s like watching your grandpa wrestle. Don’t get me wrong Taker can still fight, but I can’t help but feel he’s becoming the Ric Flair of the WWE right now…everyone just circling around wondering when the old man is finally going to bow out. And I love Flair.

Bottom line, this will be the biggest spectacle match of the night and probably the most memorable. Nothing else in wrestling is like an Undertaker match, their rarity and importance makes them so. And Triple H would be stupid to throw away such a precious jewel. Wow, what a pretentious ass I am.

Winner: The Undertaker (Bonus points if Shawn wears the short-shorts for his ref outfit)

“Journey to the Center of” The Rock Versus John “I need this match” Cena

The Match You Didn’t Know You Wanted! (...But Still Kind of Do!)

If I could be serious for a moment….no, that’s okay Lance Storm, we’re not going to sing the Canadian National Anthem…I couldn’t be excited for a single match at Mania more than this one. This fight is the battle between the Cena that we’ve known for 10 years and the reflection of our collective memory of the 90‘s and early 00‘s in The Rock. Both of these men are in peak condition, both have a right to win this one, and if you think Cena will be the same after this Mania you’re dead wrong. Just like he said this past Monday he “has to win this match”. And if he doesn’t, something’s got to change.

When I first started watching wrestling I loved The Rock. No one else could sure fire hit-it-out-of-the-park every single time like The Rock. He had an ability to tap into what the audience wanted to say and said it for them. He was electrifying. Up until recently he hasn’t done that in his promos, but this past Monday I was blown away. This was The Rock I was waiting to see, the reflection I wanted to know was true.

So what is the truth? Do we really need The Rock to come back? Have I been a fool for following wrestling when it “wasn’t cool to be a WWE superstar” or a fan?  Will anyone from the last 10 years stand up to the Stone Cold’s and Macho Man’s and Hulk Hogan’s and Andre’s of the past? In one match John Cena holds the possibility of justifying a pantheon of stars made after the year 2000. His victory means justification for all the wrestlers who want to do it “for the love of the game” no matter the smark opinion. Maybe I’m reading into this too much, but if Triple H/Undertaker is the “End of an Era” consider this match the beginning of the new one.

Rock only wins if this feud continues to Summerslam or the next Mania. But if Rock wins, Cena’s credibility is shot for a long time. Cena needs this win. The WWE needs this win. And I need this win…because I’ve bet $1800 on this match.

Winner: John Cena. God help us all.

If you like what you’ve read you can follow me @cravesam on Twitter, I also have a podcast that fuses humor and history in “Historectomy” every week on Crave Online and iTunes. I’m a screenwriter and actor, but secretly wish I could have wrestled Ric Flair in 1988.

Have a great Wrestlemania!