Team Hellions is proud to present a guest post from our good friend Sam Weller. If you like his style and humor (which BTW this is one of the funniest wrestling posts I’ve ever read) check out more from Sam at the following links. His podcast, Historectomy, is one I listen to the moment iTunes tells me there’s a new episode. And his Tweets go right to my phone, so I can be sure I don’t miss anything while I’m away from the computer.
Take it away Sam!
Well guys, it’s the Mania that we’ve been promised for over a year now: Wrestlemania 28! The build to Rock V Cena has grown exponentially in excitement and I think it elevates all the other matches on this card. I like to approach my wrestling predictions with a splash of analysis, a wee bit of humor, and a pinch of shame…so let’s not waste any more time!
(All photos copyright World Wrestling Entertainment)
Kelly “Same As It Ever Was” Kelly & Mary Menudo Versus Beth “Where is Kharma?” Phoenix & Eve “Torrid” Torres
Wow, Eve’s cleavage is out of controlYOU’RE THINKING THAT WEREN’T YOU, YOU SEXIST PIG.
Let’s all be honest here. Would we like to see good women wrestling? Yes. But does WWE need to have good women wrestling? Unfortunately, no. I love watching women fight and suplex each other, but apparently that is a minority of the WWE fan base. Amazing, to think the predominantly male audience prefers watching sweaty dudes over sweaty women…you think it’d be 50/50. But it’s closer to Mad Dog 20/20. As in what I’ll be drinking while watching this match. And peeing myself. Because that’s what the audience will be doing while this match is happening: going to the bathroom.
Also, why is Menudo in here again? Why is she relevant? Why…oh forget it.
Winner: Menudo and K.K. Slider
Team Teddy ( Ryder, Santino, Kingston, R-Truth, Khali, and BOOKA T) Versus Team Johnny (Swagger, Christian (Drew McIntyre), Otunga, Henry, Ziggler, and The Miz)
Team “Mid-Card Faces” versus Team “Injured Heels” in an “Everybody Gets a Payday” Match
I’m looking forward to this match because it’ll be a technical wrestling classic with a high workrateHAHAHAH…okay, I’ll stop. I expect shenanigans. I’ve really been enjoying Otunga finally finding what works for him in the lawyer gimmick, and Santino deserves a bigger program after this because he is the Webster’s definition of “over” with the crowd. While I like seeing guys like Christian (oops, still injured!) Ziggler, Kofi, and Swagger in general, it just highlights how they ALL need something to do after this. And what better result than to have the most interesting GM win it and set up fights between all these faces and heels for the foreseeable future…
Winner: Team Johnny (with a possible Miz face turn…YEAH I SAID IT) <– Probably wrong, but I’ll do it anyway.
Randy “Can Every Move be The RKO?” Orton Versus K- “Always Over for Some Reason” -Ane
What are we booking for Orton again? Is Kane available? Of course he is. BOOK IT!
I love Randy Orton. I think he’s an underrated “wrestling” talent and I’m totally bias because he’s from my hometown. Orton has developed into a man whom you might not love him, but every match he’s in is at least “good”. And that’s where he faces his greatest opponent to that ability: Kane. I’m happy the mask is back, and he seems motivated, but there is no reason for this match to happen besides…uh…anger, I guess. ANGER!!!
Winner: Or- “Ton of Fun” -On
Cody “Sexier Than My Whole Family” Rhodes Versus Big “Surfing My Daddy’s Casket” Show
More than Rock/Cena THIS is the feud done “via satellite” or at least via video package.
Best part about this feud has been the recaps of Big Show’s underwhelming Mania record. Hilarious. I have liked Show in the past (Jerishow, Big Showster, Floyd Mayweather feud, etc.) but the build to this one is just…there. Especially considering there were rumors of having a Goldust and Cody “brother versus brother” fight. I was pleased however with Cody’s insinuation that “Big Show” would become a verb for “failure” or “s**t” during his promo this past Monday. As in, “Man, I just Big Show’ed this entry, there’s nothing funny about it!”
Winner: Big Show (Cody’s readier than ready to start challenging for the big title on Smackdown…especially considering who’s going to win it…SPOILERS!)
“The Other White Meat” Sheamus V Daniel “YES YES YES YES” Bryan w/ A. “B” J. “Please?” <– CHEAP HEAT
Bryan’s a vegan so he shouldn’t be wrestling the carb-heavy Sheamus anyway.
Will it be a squash match? Maybe. Bryan’s run as a weasily heel who would do anything to win has been well documented and caught him a lot of good heat. And playing off of A.J. like an abusive husband helps him with that. But Sheamus has a penchant for obliterating people in short order. And being a great white stereotype. Daniel’s run with the title has been good…but I think this is Sheamus’ star making performance…barring of course a Hornswoggle/Finlay run-in where they scream “YOU STOLE OUR GIMMICK” and beat him to death with a shillelagh.
Winner: “The Blinding White” Sheamus (to start a feud with Cody Rhodes soon after…)
“Mr. Ice Cream Bar” CM Punk V Chris “Light Brite” Jericho
The Internet Wrestling Community climaxes all over their ROH T-shirts as they struggle to type...! “Meh. I expected more. 4/10.“
Now THIS is the dream match that I’ve wanted to see. Chris Jericho is performance gold. Always. And CM Punk, who has been teetering dangerously (and ironically) close to HHH levels of “no selling” potential threats, finally gets shook by the one man who is on his level. I see a lot more money to happen between these two, which is why Jericho goes over. The more interesting stat to watch is how much time they get to craft a classic…
…and count on the commentary team to talk about Rock/Cena the ENTIRE time this match is going on. RRRRAAAGGGH INTERNET RAGE!!!
Winner: Chris Jericho
Triple H Versus The Undertaker w/ Shawn Micheals as Special Guest Referee
It’s the three oldest guys in the Harley Davidson club having a public falling out over a group email...and one of them refuses to take his leather chaps off.
HELL IN A CELL aka “Take it easy in there guys, just blade once and gesture a lot.” All of these men have more than earned the crowd’s respect, but Triple H’s evolution from The Game to The Suit has been one of the more interesting angles he’s ever done. He’s like the Mike Haggar of the WWE right now. Shawn Michaels doesn’t need this match but this match needs Michaels. And Taker? God, it’s like watching your grandpa wrestle. Don’t get me wrong Taker can still fight, but I can’t help but feel he’s becoming the Ric Flair of the WWE right now…everyone just circling around wondering when the old man is finally going to bow out. And I love Flair.
Bottom line, this will be the biggest spectacle match of the night and probably the most memorable. Nothing else in wrestling is like an Undertaker match, their rarity and importance makes them so. And Triple H would be stupid to throw away such a precious jewel. Wow, what a pretentious ass I am.
Winner: The Undertaker (Bonus points if Shawn wears the short-shorts for his ref outfit)
“Journey to the Center of” The Rock Versus John “I need this match” Cena
The Match You Didn’t Know You Wanted! (...But Still Kind of Do!)
If I could be serious for a moment….no, that’s okay Lance Storm, we’re not going to sing the Canadian National Anthem…I couldn’t be excited for a single match at Mania more than this one. This fight is the battle between the Cena that we’ve known for 10 years and the reflection of our collective memory of the 90‘s and early 00‘s in The Rock. Both of these men are in peak condition, both have a right to win this one, and if you think Cena will be the same after this Mania you’re dead wrong. Just like he said this past Monday he “has to win this match”. And if he doesn’t, something’s got to change.
When I first started watching wrestling I loved The Rock. No one else could sure fire hit-it-out-of-the-park every single time like The Rock. He had an ability to tap into what the audience wanted to say and said it for them. He was electrifying. Up until recently he hasn’t done that in his promos, but this past Monday I was blown away. This was The Rock I was waiting to see, the reflection I wanted to know was true.
So what is the truth? Do we really need The Rock to come back? Have I been a fool for following wrestling when it “wasn’t cool to be a WWE superstar” or a fan? Will anyone from the last 10 years stand up to the Stone Cold’s and Macho Man’s and Hulk Hogan’s and Andre’s of the past? In one match John Cena holds the possibility of justifying a pantheon of stars made after the year 2000. His victory means justification for all the wrestlers who want to do it “for the love of the game” no matter the smark opinion. Maybe I’m reading into this too much, but if Triple H/Undertaker is the “End of an Era” consider this match the beginning of the new one.
Rock only wins if this feud continues to Summerslam or the next Mania. But if Rock wins, Cena’s credibility is shot for a long time. Cena needs this win. The WWE needs this win. And I need this win…because I’ve bet $1800 on this match.
Winner: John Cena. God help us all.
If you like what you’ve read you can follow me @cravesam on Twitter, I also have a podcast that fuses humor and history in “Historectomy” every week on Crave Online and iTunes. I’m a screenwriter and actor, but secretly wish I could have wrestled Ric Flair in 1988.
Have a great Wrestlemania!