Is there anything in life that goes together better than obscure pop culture knowledge and getting high? Maybe a grocery bag full of Doritos and Pepsi products to go with it. (Have you tried the new Diet Mountain Dew Supernova yet? Its like cotton candy sex.) We all have friends, not ourselves of course, who give their instruments of tabacoo smoking amusing names. But how many of us go the other way with this? What about the creators who have not only brought pop culture to their bongs, but those who brought bong to pop culture. If you have a dime, I have a ten spot of Bong names for you.
Marvel Comics Doctor Bong
The man formerly known as Lester Verde lost his hand in a tragic guillotine accident while performing with his punk band, Mildred Horowitz. Anytime such a tragedy occurs, there is only one path to take in life. Become a super villain. Now known as Doctor Bong, he first appeared in Howard the Duck but has since battled (annoyed?) She-Hulk, Steve Rogers and Deadpool. By striking the metal ball on his arm against his helmet, Doctor Bong can create a variety of effects including teleportation, paralysis of his enemies or even their deaths. Just because his costume can do these things, doesn’t mean it ever actually does. Doctor Bong usually looks ridiculous in his many defeats because… well because his name is Doctor Bong.
If you already think this is ridiculous, pack a bag because its a long trip. When a magical bong is ordered from a catalog hilarity and death ensue. Only from the minds at Full Moon Entertainment, Evil Bong will get you ripped before you’re RIP’ed. One hit from the bong, named Eebee, and you’re off to Bong World. No, this is a different bong world than what you experienced in your first semester at college. This Bong World is a strip club where the strippers kill you based on the designs on what little clothing remains. If there are lips imprinted on that bra then you can bet there’s a set of nasty teeth behind them. Teeth that will make you regret wearing sweat pants to bong world.
Evil Bong II: King Bong
Just when you thought it was safe to dump out the water. Here comes the sequel! Eebee and her new friends head to the Amazon to meet the King Bong. King Bong is much more powerful and he pulls his victims into a much more dangerous place, his version of Bong World. The movie is only about 80 minutes but it feels like Snoopy reading War and Peace one word at a time. The plot takes frequent walks off the face of logic and has all the coherence of, well, of a weed accented discussion. At least it cant get any worse, right?
Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong
This movie opens nationwide today and if you’re lucky your local theater will provide some of the promo scratch and sniff cards for your movie watching enjoyment. When aliens try to take over the world using killer weed and yet more strippers, its up to the survivors of the previous two movies along with Eebee to save the planet. Yes. An evil bong must save the planet. The film obviously has a heavy handed green message.
Since this article was first written there are now 5 Evil Bong movies. Most if not all are on Hulu.
Bong of the Dead
When the zombie apocalypse happens and the hydroponics stores are closed, what’s a young entrepreneur stoner to do? Showing the same level of creativity and engineering usually only seen in a cored apple turned bong, our heroes use the remains of zombies to create fertilizer. In which they grow their pot. Destroy the zombies brains to make the fertilizer, which in turn will destroy your brain. At least that’s what the old commercial with the egg and the pan was telling me, right?
Miss Chanandler Bong
Yeah, its a Friends reference. Its also one of the best jokes in one of the best episodes of the long running hit show. A hit show where somehow everyone had money, barely worked, and always had plenty of free time to hang out in their apartments. Miss Chanandler Bong got passed around so much that’s where Joey Tribbiani caught VD.
Bong! from Mystic #19
From way back in 1953 comes this tale of love gone bad. Hugo Walter loves the daughter of the local bell maker. (Where was that option on career day?) However the bell maker refuses to allow Hugo to make the daughter Mrs Walter. Hugo plots murder but things do not go according to plan.
Secret Agent Space Bong
From The Jetsons season 2 comes Space Bong. Also known as Secret Agent Double O-Oh. When the evil spy group SNEEK mistakes George Jetson for Space Bong hijinxs ensue. There’s some drama and some fun as the leader of the space age family tries to convince SNEEK that he doesn’t have any secret formula.
Tiny Planets “Its Raining Bongs”
Bong is a tiny white furry alien on a British kids show called Tiny Planets. The show was created in 5 minute episodes to appeal to those with short attention spans. Bong, and his good friend Bing travel across their solar system on a magical couch. The two friends explore other worlds and learn about lights, sounds, nature and water. I remind you. This is a children’s show.
The guy’s logo is Skeletor. So he gets big bonus points already. This Dutch DJ creates some fantastic Breakcore music. All you need to know is that the music is trippy as hell. Get yourself in the right mood, find a dance floor with insane bass, and say goodbye to the next hour of your life. When the music ends grab a big bottle of Smart Water and enjoy the rest of the list.