I’m trying something different with this week’s Smarked for Death WWE Monday Night Raw review.  Every week I give somewhat of a play by play, with a little commentary.  But what does that do for anyone?  You can also watch the show and see what happens.  But why does it happen, what does it mean?  I’m going to try to delve into the world of wrestling in new ways.

This week I’ll try it FAQ style.  Let me know what you think!

Lets look at last night’s Raw from Liverpool, England.

Hey Survivor Series is coming up soon, will the Rock be on Raw tonight?

No.  The Rock does not care about you, the fans, that much.  He cares about his paycheck, and about looking like the greatest star in WWE history.  If WWE was willing to pay up for him to fly to England, he would have.  However it appears that only the bare minimum of numbers was flown in for the show this week.  That’s what happens when the WWE cant force their talent to rent a car out of their own pockets for once.

But the Rock is coming back to Raw next week.

Yes, coming back.  He has been on this year though.  You do remember that right?  WWE has people on their roster, who are active wrestlers, and have been missing from Raw longer than the Rock.  Guys like Curt Hawkins and Yoshi Tatsu and Rosa Mendes.

Yes, but they aren’t a multiple time world champion millionaire like the Rock.

This is true.  They also don’t spend 20-30 minutes running their mouths and stretching out a point that could have been made in 30 seconds.  Yes, John Cena, I will be your partner.  And scene.  I don’t need to hear 30 minutes of what the Rock ate for breakfast, how good it is to play Roadblock in GI Joe and how much pie he eats on a PG show.

Well if you’re so damn smart why aren’t you commenting on Raw?

Easy.  Because I’m not fucking awful.  The announcers should not be there, on any event, to put themselves over.  Sure, there are announcers for every sport that are popular.  Mike Goldberg and Joe Rogan are fantastic when calling UFC events.  But they don’t put over themselves.  I have never once heard either man claim to be better than a fighter.  Nor do they say the other man is worthless.  Nor do they get into the Octagon to challenge a fighter he may not like.  Then we look at Michael Cole.  He buries the women’s matches often.  He constantly says that certain wrestlers do not need to be there, because they aren’t good enough.  That does not mean he’s a heel and burying the faces.  There have been many great heel announcers over wrestling history.  However they never said that someone sucked.  If you think someone sucks, and you beat that person (or the person you’re rooting for does) then who the hell did they beat?  He beat some loser, that’s not an accomplishment.  And if he beats you, guess what, you got beat by some loser– which means who the hell are you?

How is Dolph Ziggler still the United States champion?

Yeah, I don’t get that one either.  Dolph is a fantastic wrestler, and a future world champion to be sure (with a legitimate run, not the short gimmick run of minutes that he had before).  He’s been beaten many times by Zack Ryder, now John Morrison.  John who, if you recall, hasn’t won a match in quite some time.  Either pull the trigger on Morrison or release him because he either is or is not a main event talent.  Its time to decide one way or another.  Also, you either are or are not a champion.  If you are a title holder and you are pinned many times over by more than one person, than you should not still be holding that title.

JTG still has a job?

From what I’ve been able to unearth he looks to be on some show called NXT.  Yes, that’s still on.  JTG has been wrestling in the WWE holding show.  Its OK, no one else watches it either, as seen by the reaction to this match.  Mason was a heel in the Nexus, then disappeared and came back with longer hair and a face turn.  He has still barely spoken, nor given any kind of story arc.  He is just a big guy, and that is all.

Why is Kelly Kelly on the cover of Maxim?

Because Lindsey Lohan is a coke whore and there are no pretty girls on new fall TV shows to promote. Also, WWE misses the publicity they got from the Playboy issues, so why not move onto the tamer (relatively) world of Maxim.  Hey at least Maxim is sold at most WalMarts, something Playboy cant claim.

Who the hell is the champion on this show?

You wouldn’t know from this episode, but its Alberto Del Rio.  And CM Punk has the next title shot.  Yet neither man is in the main event match, or a match at all really.  WWE is clearly thinking the Rock’s return to in ring action is enough to sell Survivor Series and fuck anyone else.  Also, if Kevin Nash can walk in and be a world champion at any time he likes, then the title must be worthless.

I thought Brodus Clay was supposed to debut this week.

So did everyone else.  Maybe he couldn’t get his work visa in time.  However, I am more excited to see what this big man can do than any minute of Mason Ryan.  See what a proper build up can do for a character?

How about that tag match?

Well at least it was correctly booked.  The heels won, building up a desire to see them get theirs at the PPV.  Zack Ryder worked the majority of the match, and begged for the hot tag.  The crowd was super into him, and it continues the one and only true wrestling internet phenomenon success story.  Although, between Cena beating both heels last week and them having to cheat to win this week, Miz and R-Truth don’t look like true competition at all.

 

 

Let me know if you liked this review style and I’ll carry it over into the other wrestling shows this week!

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