The League of Expendables!

This week’s assignment from the League of Extraordinary Bloggers is a big one.  Check it out:

You are a big shot Hollywood movie producer with an unlimited budget. You need to assemble the ultimate ensemble cast for a movie that is sure to fill every movie theater seat around the world. Who do you hire and what kind of film are you going to make?

I will second their suggestion that you listen to the Nerd Lunch podcast, episode 22.  In fact I suggest subscribing to the podcast.  I just listened to the Collecting Candy episode and it was as educational as it was enjoyable.  But I digress…

The fun thing about these questions is in how each League member interprets the question.  I wanted to ask Brian if the question includes living and dead, if it could be any time, and on and on.  However its so much more fun to decide how I’m reading the question and then roll with that understanding of it.


Based on that mind set I’ve decided that anyone on this list has to be alive.  So no action star version of Elizabeth Taylor or Judy Garland.  Sorry although I do think a Michael Bay directed Cleopatra would be a train wreck of a movie.  Must… look.. even though… awful.

Last week during the March Madness post Brian and I discussed an all woman version of that tournament.   Well hell why not take that idea and apply it over here?  Many names changed, because there are different rules to the two posts (series of movies in the March Madness post vs. anyone I damn well want over here).  Thus the idea was born for an all woman version of the Expendables.  I would prefer the movie to have some title like Ass Kicking Chicks or XX Factor or something cool.  However, even though I have the money to make this happen chances are my boss would claim some focus group wants the flick to be called ExpendaBelles or something awful like that.

Anyways, here is my list of stars for the all woman version of the Expendables.  Check out the list, think about it, debate, and then at the end of it I’ll be back here to give you further details on the movie.


Eliza Dushku

Rose McGowen

Rosario Dawson

Zoe Bell

Angelina Jolie

Katee Sackhoff

Michelle Rodriguez

Lucy Lawless

Cynthia Rothrock

Chloe Moretz

Zoe Saldana

Milla Jovovich

Kate Beckinsale

Gina Carano

and the breakout character from the cast, Allison Scagliotti.  #AllisonScag4Cassie

Women who have been in action movies and TV shows and have a dedicated fanbase.  Also, women that people will pay A LOT of money to see kick some ass.  Yes, there will be some fan service scenes.  There kind of has to be.  However, I would want every scene to make sense and not seem gratuitous.  No bikini car washes here.  Sorry everyone.  However there should be leather, cool outfits, torn battle worn outfits.  These things would make sense in an action movie.  Maybe they have to swim some where.  Can we compromise with that?  That works for everyone?  Good.

The movie opens with scenes from around the country showing women in shackles.  They are dressed in rags, some are chained to the kitchen.  It becomes obvious that there is no woman in the country who is allowed to leave their homes.  Women have been decreed to be nothing more than housewives and baby makers.  To try to be anything else is to set yourself up for a life of torture.

Somehow there is a small network of women leading a guerrilla movement of equal rights.  Their leader is Angelina Jolie.  This way we can have her in the movie, but as I am not a big fan of hers, she wont be in too many scenes.

We start out in LA, and the group of women in this city is like an all female A-Team.  They travel the country, headed to Washington DC in order to liberate women by any means necessary.  During their cross country trip there is much excitement.  Car chases, fist fights, random helicopters chasing cars and rocket launchers appearing in the trunk of a two seater.  All sorts of crazy explosions, but it will be done by hot women.  The soundtrack will be a mix of metal and rap, but every group must have at least one woman in the band, preferably the lead singer.

When the women reach Washington DC they expect to find the man behind this movement to keep women down.  Some fat rich man, or so they suspect.  So we all suspect.  But there is a twist!  It turns out that there has been a woman behind this all along.  A woman who is vapid, who can only identify herself through a man.  A woman who wont speak up.  A woman who believes her whole existence is defined by being a breeder.  A woman who doesn’t speak up, doesn’t tell anyone, even though she spends every day tending to the wounds her husband has caused.  There is only one woman who could play this role.

Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan).

Its perfect!  For those of you who have had the misfortune of watching Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1.  It is insulting to women worldwide.  Hell it was insulting to my male mind in ways I didn’t even know were there.  She would be the perfect foil for these strong women.  Weaker in every way imaginable yet somehow richer and more powerful than the rest of them.  It is a conundrum.  Some of the women will question the path they chose.  There may be heel turns and even, gasp, deaths!

However in the end, the women liberate America and make it a country with equal rights for everyone.  They then stand on the shore, looking out to the Atlantic Ocean, and wondering where in the world they should take their mission of equality next.  Sequels!



    1. Have you not watched BSG then? There are so many scenes that I had to pause so my fiance and I could discuss Katee’s place as an iconic woman in scifi. Its a high place too.

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