Its another week and another mind bending assignment for the League of Extraordinary Bloggers!
Team Hellions is a proud member of the League and I do my best to contribute something interesting each and every week. But this week was just. Damn. It was really really tough. Take a look:
We can all agree that Michael Bay makes everything better. After he’s done with the Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles movie, what should Michael Bay blow up next?
It took me forever to come up with an idea for this topic. Bay has already screwed up Transformers. Lets think about this for a moment. He took a cartoon that from episode to episode had giant robots switch paint jobs and voices. There was no consistancy from episode to episode. And yet he somehow fucked this up.
Now he wants to do TMNT. But without the first T and the M. Maybe without the N as well. Actually if they are from another planet are they actually turtles as well?
The Onion already took care of a Bay made Thundercats. The first GI Joe movie had plenty of explosions and plot holes. Same for things like the Three Musketeers and Clash of the Titans. Where to go? I have all of this time on my hands while I wait to watch WrestleMania.
This summer! WWE Films and Michael Bay present WWE Monday Night Raw! Live! The Movie! In 3D!
The movie starts as Michael Bay would like it to start, far away from any action. We are introduced to the lead. Much like Shia, he starred on a Disney channel sitcom and has been waiting for his big break ever since. Cast as the lead, is Adam Lamberg. Who? Exactly. (He was on Lizzie McGuire)
Adam is picked on in school, he’s unpopular, and his only outlet is every Monday night’s professional wrestling. He yearns for a woman silently and from afar. She is young, but dumb. Loads of sex appeal but not an ounce of talent or acting ability. Where on Earth can we find such a thing for a WWE based movie?
Oh. Damn near all of them.
(Although if I had to pick a Diva to star in a movie, especially a somewhat geeky one it would most definitely be current WWE Diva, and Daniel Bryan’s on screen girlfriend AJ.)
So take your pick of your favorite Diva and throw her in the Megan Fox role. She gets thrown out of her home on the wrong side of the tracks. Here comes Adam, driving down those same tracks. He is going to a wrestling show, which coincidentally can only be reached by driving down the highway that she is walking along. The Diva gets in the car next to him. Because if there is anything that every sexy dumb girl should do its get into a car with someone she “kind of” knows.
While driving along the two leads talk about their lives and their dreams and whatever exposition is not necessary at all in such a movie. They have a fight. She gets out of the car and starts walking. He drives off without her. Music plays while they both look into the distance until coming to the realization that they cant live without each other. This is the first two hours of the movie.
Adam and the Diva get to the arena and its all out chaos. Every single wrestler is wearing black trunks with no logos or other designs. The audience cant tell who is good nor who is bad. For some reason there are explosions everywhere. Turnbuckles? Explosions! Announce table? Fire! Backstage interview area? BOOM!
While dodging flames, shrapnel, chairs, barbed wire, and flying cruiserweights Adam helps the Diva repair her strained relationship with her father. Screw it! Lets make the father Vince McMahon. “It was me Adam! It was me all along!”