The League XXXI: Step By Step.


Someone could write a terribly funny post about Suzanne Somers and Patrick Duffy this week.

But that wont be me.  As part of the League of Extraordinary Bloggers I get to be a part of a worldwide blogging circle.  We answer a question and then share our responses as well as what the rest of the League writes.

If you want to be a part of this madness, be sure to follow the League at:

Now what is this week’s question?

Write a step-by-step guide on how to do something. This could be a real world project or a fantastical one, so do with it as you will.

There has been an ongoing conversation at Casa Hellions over the past two weeks.  I feel this has also happened at many other homes.  League homes even.  The majority of us are men, and I’m reasonably sure the women of the group have significant others.  Thus we have all experienced this problem:  Taking a man into Victoria’s Secret.

So with the wedding coming up (and yes, much like a stand up comedian who just had a kid you’re going to have to hear about this for a little while) we made a trip into Victoria’s Secret.  Sure I love women, and I love sexy underwear, and women in sexy underwear is the chocolate and peanut butter of relationships.  But it feels impossible to go into that store, or any store that sells skimpy undergarments and not feel like a pervert.

Maybe its because of jokes on sitcoms or movies or years of hearing the King yell out “bra and panties!”  (#GetWellSoonJerryLawler) but it is now ingrained in me that men become lecherous when confronted with satin and lace.   To again quote Lawler, panties aren’t the best things on Earth but they’re right next to it.

However, despite feeling dirty the fact is that the women good enough to sleep with us like to hear some opinions on these items.  We are frequently asked to pick something out.  That’s not as simple as it sounds though.  In order to pick something out we would have to look at many items, hold them up, feel them, and get a good mental image of how it would look on our extremely patient ladies.  In order to do all of this though we are now spending far longer inside the store than we’re comfortable with.

There needs to be a lingerie store that men can go into and not feel pervy.  Here is a guide to making this happen.

Step 1:  Hire the “quirky best friend”.

If women are going to let their men shop in an underwear store without them, they need to be comfortable with the embloyees.  I don’t see these men trusting another man to sell items that they don’t wear (or at least don’t admit to), thus it would still be an all woman staff.  However, it shouldn’t be the gorgeous leading ladies that make women jealous.  No, its time for the goofy best friend.  Women see her as friendly but not threatening.  Guys see her as their best friend’s attractive sister.  Cute, fun to goof around with, but absolutely no way they’re going to touch her.  I’m seeing Zooey Deschanel, Lizzy Caplan, Alyson Hannigan, Kari Byron, and Kate Micucci.

Step 2:  Steal from the Discovery Channel stores.

Yes, make it hands on.  Encourage touching and fondling.  Of the merchandise, not the women.  Have a “play” area.  Show how the fabric looks, how it feels.  Find out if the couple is planning a nice night or a naughty night and test how the material holds up.  If need be have other, um, accessories, to show how the lingerie would look in action.  Make it fun, let the jokes happen.  If the guys are more relaxed then in theory they’ll spend more money as well.

Step 3:  Virtual models.

At first I thought that each store should have models on site to show how the outfits would look.  But that’s dangerously close to running a strip club.  Instead, set up a huge iPad type screen in every store.  Scan the barcode of the underwear you’re about to buy.  Then select the model close enough to your partner’s size.  Every model would have pictures up wearing every product.  Set it up like an iPad game.  Touch and swipe.  Hell, maybe there’s even an achievement to unlock that would lead to a coupon or a percentage off.

Step 4:  Guarantee sales.

There is no way after spending all of this time that money wont be spent.  Most men would be embarrassed to spend so much time and not spend any money.  As most of us know, these products are not cheap either.  Plus, as its underwear, there is a very strict return policy.

I don’t know about you but this sounds like guaranteed money to me.  Go ahead and make fun or poke holes in this crazy theory in the comments below.  But first, check out some work from the rest of the League.

Lets see if I go 3-0 in this week’s Madball Football League!

Primordial Badger’s Media Hoard

Green Plastic Squirt Gun

(Also, much love to BrotherMidnight right now.)

Monster Cafe and Bar

Of Flying Monkeys and Ewoks oh my!

Random Nerdness

Crooked Ninja

Lair of the Dork Horde


UnderScoop Fire

Q the Adult


That Figures

Cold Slither Podcast

Cool and Collected

Travelling Pics

Dork Dimension



  1. I think you could be on to something, here. Imagine if couples could schedule private shopping sessions or be catered to by a personal shopping assistant from the privacy of a comfortable dressing room. It would drastically decrease the amount of awkward boners at malls across America.

    What is the actual “secret” anyway? Victoria is one cryptic bitch.

    1. We could all hire “lingerie planners”. Much like wedding planners, but skankier.
      I think her secret is that she fakes her orgasms.

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