Welcome to the sports entertainment nerd Super Bowl of fake sports; it’s WRESTLEMANIA!!!! Specifically, WrestleMania 29, which comes after 28 and is one short of 30. It’s strange to realize that I’m as old as sports entertainment’s most prestigious, and longest running event in its history. I’m turning 30, and this is bullshit, but whatever, let’s get back on track. WrestleMania! Can you feel it, the most electrifying event in…no, no that’s not it, it’s just pretty great. This year’s event is shaping up to be one of the best booked Manias the past few years, however, WWE has squandered story lines, pushed matches that don’t matter, and are up to their general bullshit. In a way, this is the best WrestleMania that you’re not looking forward to. That’s not to say that “29” doesn’t have the potential for great matches, it certainly does, but instead they adopted the anti-AMC tagline: “Story Doesn’t Matter Here.” But fuck it, let’s shake off the bad ju-ju; let’s do this!
Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls vs. Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins
I’ve never seen booking for a mix tag match, in WWE, and thought: “I really give a shit about this match.” But essentially, it’s TEAM DINOSAURS THAT NEED TO FIND A TAR PIT vs. TEAM SMART JOBBERS, COMPLETE WITH A SET OF FAKE TITS. This is a match that isn’t for the fans, as much as it is for the happy-go-lucky crowd of WWE event attenders. If Rhodes Scholars could fall off the band wagon anymore, job anymore than they are, they’d be stealing jobs from American’s and you’d hear about it from Zeb Colter. Your winners will be TONS OF FUNK & THE FUNKADACTYLS, that’s a given. They’ll do their dance, they might even invite the Godfather out (Don’t hold your breath.)! Since WWE is short a celebrity gimmick, this is the next best thing… fuck, I really need to stop with the puns! It’s also a testament of how WWE doesn’t know how to manage their Divas Division right now, especially if rumors are true about a possible Divas title match. Your winners again: TEAM DINOSAURS THAT NEED TO FIND A TAR PIT… Fuck, California is a bit of a stretch.
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
This is a match I can get behind; Curtis is good, Jericho is great, and this match has the potential to be a show stealer of sorts. Everybody is counting on Punk vs. Taker to do that, but don’t discount this match. Fandango has the heat; I mean by now, he’s in the sun’s gravity field, but he needs to get OVER, which he has yet to do (Well, no shit Sherlock ). Jericho did a great job of putting over Punk last year, and he’s doing it this year with funny takes on Fandango’s name. I’m praying for at least a five minute match, but I won’t get my hopes up too high. Your winner: FAN-DANCE-FUNNY!!! FAN-DAN-GO… there, I spelled it correctly for pronunciation!
Team Hell No (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston
As much as I’ve enjoyed Team Hell No’s reign as Tag Team Champions, they’ve sadly overstayed their welcome. I don’t think Ziggler and Langston are the best choice for successors, but they’ll do. This match can serve as more of a launching point, for Ziggler to cash in the MITB briefcase, than anything he’s done recently. As of now, his character angle shows him as a guy who will cash in and lose. The great character work that Daniel Bryan and Kane have been a part of is a dream come true for most. Bryan needs that build up again, now that the character has dimension, and Kane is generally good at whatever he’s doing, so separate ways, worlds apart and apparently Journey references. Also, is it too soon to want the NATION OF BIG E LANGSTON? Think about it, if you revived that theme music. Fuck, that would be great (no, not really.)! But, your winners: DOLPH ZIGGLER & BIG E LANGSTON!!!
Ryback vs. Mark Henry
As a guy that suffers from Sleep Apnia, un-diagnosed, I know how Ryback felt this past week on Smackdown. I never realized how much I missed Henry until he returned. Now, I don’t even know how I lived without him! His character work is great right now, and while I don’t know how great the quality of this match will be, it still has some potential. This will be Ryback’s biggest challenge to date, and will probably produces his longest running match to date. With that said, it only makes sense that he wins. He needs that build up, and he needs a title on his shoulder or around his waist this year. As to which one is debatable. Your winner: THE SPAWN OF GOLDBERG AND ROB VAN DAM: RYBACK!!!
Wade Barrett (Intercontinental Champion) vs. The Miz
As great as this match sounds on paper, this is a sleeper of sorts. The story associated with it, or lack there of, has been boring. Ooooh, look at them bicker, as the one is doing commentary on a match that the other is in. For a mid-card title match, it just doesn’t really matter. That’s sad to say, but it’s true. Wade needs more than this, and Miz can move comfortably in the mid-card spot right now, Barrett doesn’t need this title anymore, so, your winner: Mike Mizanin
Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Big Show vs. The Shield
THE CLUSTER FUCK vs. THE JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK OF THE WWE. For now, you have to package The Shield as six-man tag competitors, but this will have to come to an end soon enough. WWE took a shot on these three, and so far they have delivered. If this isn’t the last six man tag match, I’d start to feel that these guys were going down a bad road. They need individual character work, and the cluster fuck needs to die off quickly. Winners: The Shield!
Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Jack Swagger
This feud had the most polarizing effect that a feud could have, before a DWI and orchestrated attacks on Ricardo Rodriguez started to ruin it. The actions of Swagger and Zeb Colter have ranged from great character work to great comedy. This match had the strongest story potential before Swagger’s DWI… thank God he’s not Matt Hardy? Your winner: Alberto Del Rio!
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar
Who cares. Your winner: Brock Lesnar
The Undertaker vs. CM Punk
The best story for WrestleMania belongs to this feud, and it never would have happened if Paul Bearer hadn’t died. This match has had great build up, and has a great chance of stealing the show, like many Taker matches have. This year is different though; this year, it feels like Punk could actually beat him. This is a match I wish we could be seeing at WrestleMania 30, in MSG (not fucking New Orleans!), but 29 will do. Fuck it, your winner: CM Punk!
The Rock (WWE Champion) vs. John Cena
Once in a lifetime…again! Your winner: The Rock
Solace Winter’s Tie-breakers:
Tie-breaker #1: Reigns pins Orton.
Tie-breaker #2: Lesnar wins via submission.
Tie-breaker #3: Tons of Funk & Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Schollars & Bella Twins will be shortest.
Tie-breaker #4: 2 titles will change hands.
Tie-breaker #5: Taker’s entrance will be two minutes and thirty seconds.